Julian Assange rejects diplomatic protection saying it would be like having a shower in a raincoat

(satire)

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has reportedly turned down an offer of political protection from the Australian consulate in London saying he didn’t like using protection because it would be like shaking someone’s hand while wearing a glove.

Mr Assange has been taking refuge at the Ecuadorian embassy in London since June as he faced extradition to Sweden over claims by the US government that he has put US citizens at risk after his condom leaked all over the internet.

Mr Assange claims the leaked condom is part of what he terms “principled leaking,” and having unprotected sex all over the world is necessary to fight government, individual and corporate corruption.

The famous international whistleblower has also defended his refusal to use a condom when having sex by saying under Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, all oversexed citizens have a duty to exercise their human right of expression and receipt of information by using their new-found fame to shag whoever they can as often as possible.

However, William Hague, the UK foreign minister who has pledged not to allow safe passage for Mr Assange to another country, has said he will not hesitate in upholding the primacy of British legal sovereignty by extraditing any person the Americans tell him to.

A spokesperson for the Ecuadorean government said the decision to give political asylum to Mr Assange was made on the understanding he would be as gentle as possible and promised to call after he has entered the country.

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OK – I just know I’m going to get flack from all sides for this and I’m going to be accused of making light of something very serious. But here’s an explanation of why I think just about everyone has got it wrong on the whole Assange, Wikileaks, extradition thing….

Like most things in politics – and life – this is not just a simple black and white, good guy versus bad guys plot, like in a Hollywood film. Most people seem to see Assange as either an heroic Jason Bourne type character fighting for justice and truth against a formidable array of evil government forces reigned against him or as a James Bond type villain – an evil megalomaniac intent on destroying the free world while at the same time using his power to  take advantage of the innocent.

The truth is it’s not so much James Bond or Jason Bourne as Freddy vs Jason. Two extremely unsympathetic foes battling it out while the mere mortals are left to watch from the sidelines, occasionally becoming innocent victims themselves.

Assange is clearly an unpleasant, dictatorial narcissist with serious issues of control. The US, UK and other governments are clearly and cold-bloodedly trying to destroy an individual they see as dangerous to their interests.

And somewhere between those two unpleasant extremes, there are serious issues still remaining undiscussed and unresolved relating to government misuse of power, civil liberties, state secrecy and the rights of an individual to know what governments are doing on their behalf.

In fact, maybe it’s not so much Freddy vs Jason as Romeo and Juliet.

A plague on both their houses.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

UK Bids To Boost Trade In Emerging Markets By Offering To Storm Their Embassies
BBC Announce New Wave of Offensive Attack Drones to Defend Government
Church of England accused of homophonaphobia
West Mulls Military Strikes Against IKEA
Argentina – Prince William Posting To Falklands In Tight Airsuit ‘Provocative’

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