Independent Scotland to Retain Michael Gove in Severe Blow to Pro-Indy Camp

(satire?)

In a severe blow to the pro-independence campaign, Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond has admitted an independent Scotland would probably have to retain both Michael Gove and Danny Alexander, despite many attempts by Scottish ministers to persuade the English they don’t want them.

Mr Salmond said on Tuesday that although an independent Scotland would have its own defence force and collect its own taxes, the newly-formed country would have no choice but to keep the Education Secretary and the Treasury Minister, despite Westminster indicating it would be willing to accept joint sovereignty over David Tennant and Sean Connery.

However, in a 670-page blueprint aimed at convincing Scots they should vote on September 18 next year to end a 306-year union with England, Salmond insisted there would be no need to keep Susan Boyle if Scotland broke away, but that an Independent Scotland would be happy to share Billy Connolly if it proved necessary during negotiations in the run-up to independence.

With separatists lagging in opinion polls, the First Minister is hoping the blueprint will win over many sceptics, answering important questions on sensitive issues of national importance his Scottish National Party has been accused of dodging, such as which country was going to end up with numpties like Gove and Alexander.

“We know we have the people, the skills, and resources to make Scotland a more successful country,” said Salmond, “but even I’d think twice about voting for independence if we have to put up with bloody Gove and frigging Alexander back up here in an independent Scotland.”

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