Scientists discover Tories’ reasoning ability rivals that of a 7-year-old human child

(satire?)

By our science correspondent

Some species of Tories could be as advanced at reasoning and logical thinking as a human seven-year-old child, according to a new study.

Researchers subjected six wild Tories to a battery of tests designed to challenge their understanding of causal relationships and found most of them were as intelligent as an average five to seven-year-old human child.

The “water displacement” tasks were all variations of the so-called Aesop’s test - in which thirsty Tories demonstrated a remarkable ability to drop disabled people into water-filled tubes in order to obtain floating rewards such as cash bonuses and other valuable share options.

The Tories tested in the study were able to accurately choose objects that were more likely to sink rather than float – such as the young, the old and the terminally ill. Most of the Tories were also able to quickly identify high yield off-shore tax havens over ones with low yields.

British Tories, named after the European islands where they are most often found, are famous for their primitive intelligence and inventiveness. They are the only non-primate species known to be able to fashion primitive tools such as expense accounts and tax evasion models out of sticks and hooks which they use to winkle out of as much money as possible from the taxpayer.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Scientists succeed in growing balls on Liberal Democrats in laboratory

Scientists finally discover function of Nick Clegg

Frozen pensioners contain higher levels of vitamins and antioxidants say scientists

David Cameron stands by plan to reduce energy bills with more hot air

Scientists Claim Tiny Sub-Atomic Traces of Ethics Discovered in Barclays

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