BREXIT: As the scare campaign goes full Hammer Horror, a new word enters the language…

It’s Official: there are now more media, political leaders, globalists, lenders, hasbeens and trolls bombing the LeaveEU campaign than countries bombing Syria. In fact, taken as a whole, they’re the same people. The Slog takes a wry look at today’s media crop.

And what better place to start than with Frou Frou Lagarde, the girl who takes moving averages for a quarter and then multiplies them by four to arrive at a growth prediction. The crystal ball gazer who said French banks were ‘entirely safe’…and three months later, reporting restrictions on, um, French banks arrived. The genius who has thus far overseen 17 IMF Greek economy predictions, 17 of which were wrong.

Above we see Chrissie Tanfastic demonstrating that her right thumb has no idea what her left index finger is doing. But it never holds her back.

Moving on discreetly, whereas we used to Blame it on the Boogie, we now blame it on the Brexit. Real employment – judged by contract length and hours worked – has been falling since 2011.

Thus far in 2016, we have seen disastrous trade figures, awful growth figures, a muddled, misleading and inaccurate Budget, and terrible UK factory output declines. The real problem is George Osterity: but what was once laid at the door of “global headwinds” is now down to mounting Brexit fears. Scare the shit out of voters and then blame voter fears….it’s inflammatory strategy.

But pray tell, why is employment falling? Wull, stands ter reason dunnit: all this disloyal Brexit piffle is stopping house building, because the housebuilders are frightened that Brexit will bring austerity. And if you thought you didn’t like Osterity, well listen, Lordy Lordy, austerity borne of Brexit lunacy is going to scorch your earth, Chummy.

Best change your voting intention right now…..and get back to the important task of covering what’s left of our green and pleasant land in houses. Just in time for the collapse of our major trading partner….

…..because once we collapse after Brexit – especially given Brussels doesn’t give a monkey’s chuff if we stay or leave hahaha – then our trade deficit won’t be their automatic profit any more. So, assessing all this good news for the UK, our Canadian-born and Goldman Sachs indoctrinated Bank of England governor Mark Carney decided to wade in with his unelected view on a political decision.

I’d love to get Fred Carno’s take on what a ‘technical’ recession is, given that technically, if you take QE out of the equation, we’re in a recession anyway. To Camerlot, of course, it’s a strong and growing recovery….that is, a contract-free, riseless, low retail consumption, asset-bubble, manufacturing slump, proper-jobless kind of recovery.

There would of course be a housing-boom throughout the country sort of recovery, if it wasn’t for all these pesky pollsters saying – using their diabolic “grim forecasts” – that the Brexiteers are likely to win because they’re more likely to vote.

But then, you can’t export houses – and asset bubbles are bad: this is one of the few things even Stiglitz and Yellen could agree about. So more calm in the housing market should be good for Britain’s currency and exports, except that rising house prices as a result of being under the safety-duvet of the EU win referendums, and so Brexit is A Bad Thing. Do try to keep up, per-leez: the logic is more twisted than fractured. Naughty Brexit, down boy – down I say…..heel! Heel! Heil! Heil!

I mean, FFS: what’s more important – the cost of your holiday on the Costa Plenty, or a cheap Pound to help our exports….and thus combat the debt that has risen 52% under Camerlot’s long-term-fully-working Osterity? Search me squire, but if you vote Brexit your spell en vivant Espagne is going to be royally rogered. It says here in the script. Allegedly. Exclusively.

But here’s the nuclear response: if you vote Brexit, ABBA will cry. It’s a gamechanger, a dealbreaker, a playmaker, and almost certainly a Leavechoker.

On the other hand, it might single-handedly hand victory to the Brexiteers: with electorates and referendums these days, you never can tell. It could be a Waterloo for somebody. But best not to mention Waterloo: it makes Boris nervous.

When BoJo joined the Brexiteers, the general feeling was that he’d electrify the proceedings. On the whole, that doesn’t seem to have happened…and of course, if Camerlot is forced to fall on its sword after a Leave win, Benito Borisconi will be one of the front-runners in a bid to replace Dave ‘Dambuster’ Cameron as the Leader of the Fukushima formerly known as the Conservative Party.

So we should not be surprised that Dodgy Dave’s private misgivings about Borisconi the Bankshagging Barbarian have miraculously become public as a result of the PM’s incontinent leakage condition. In the trade, we call this the Dick Nixon card: “Listen, if I fall, the next guy in line will be even worse”.

And so to the barrel-scrapings. That usually means The Sun, and today is no exception. It appears that not only do Brexiteers need regular whippings, they’re also prepared to use blackmail in order to get sex.

Well, the LibDems are choc-a-bloc with rum coves….however, all but this bloke are Remaindeers. I somehow can’t see why Paul Keetch being in a cats-for-sex-and-porn scandal has the remotest relevance to the issues, but then I do think most of those who bother to vote will follow their instincts. The average MP’s instincts being beneath contempt, we should all (temporarily) accept that as a fact of life as we plough onwards towards salvation or ruination.

Finally, one unwavering fact of life in Britain is that the Daily Mail goads. Its impeccably goadworthy condition means it can do thousands of miles on just one litre of petrol tossed onto the flames. So – if only to give a sense of balance – I include today’s attempt in the Wail to take the eyes of both referendum sides completely off the ball.

I too have fears about overcrowding and multicultural denialism in 21st century Britain. I have particular fears about electoral regularities in Newham. But this depiction of immigrants as nasty Grey Squirrels feeding upon nice fluffy Cockney Red Squirrels is too hard for any decent Brit to digest. Fine, I know it’s masquerading as a review of a BBC documentary. But the Mail and its myriad bigotries have contributed massively to the idea that Vote Leavers are nothing more than ageing Powellites.

We are nothing of the kind: rather, we are rejectors of the globalist security blanket, the Big State socialists, and the appeasers of Camerlot. We want a free, independent and inventively entrepreneurial Britain freed from the controlling monopolism of Big Business & Banking. For myself, I want that Britain to be a healthy jigsaw of local communities to which power has been devolved…but that’s a personal opinion for another day.

I present these infantile attempts to terrify us into joining a fascist Superstate purely as a spur* to those who will not be cowed into submission.

Enjoy what’s left of your Sunday.

*Spur is another word you shouldn’t mention to Boris, especially in the context of Spur road close to Waterloo Station. For it too makes him nervous.

Filed under: Brexit scaremongering bollocks go ballistic, Uncategorized Tagged: Abba, Boris Johnson, Brexit? Brexshit, Christine Lagarde is a complete bozo, eurozone doomed, George Osborne, The Mail, The Sun