Late Results in the Skripal Cup Semi-Finals: Satire 0 Life 3

 I eschewed the chance to watch a repeat of Watercolour Challenge Gardening in the Sun Property Makeover on TV last night in order to catch up with the latest news about non-news. But the “real” news is, life is now – at long last – funnier than any satire could ever be. So to prove the point, we’re going to kick off with some mildly amusing satire….and then end on a high note of hilarious reality. 

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Both versions – satirical and real – are to do with Saturday’s front page lead in the Daily Telegraph:

THIS IS THE SATIRE BIT

Following extensive enquiries into the events in Salisbury last month – during which Moscow Airport customs authorities working in concert with British-based Putin hit-squads – infected the home, doorknobs, pets, suitcases, vehicle aircon system and park bench favoured by the Skripal Dad & Daughter double-act – Detective Chief Inspector Harvey Nickels spoke to the Taily Doggygraph newspaper yesterday in a bid to deconfuse those of us who are baffled by the case.

“Our enquiries are complete,” began Nickels, “and I am thus at liberty to inform the British public that two suspects are now in custody at Knock Green Dick Police Station undergoing extensive interrogation in relation to terrorist acts committed on or around April 13th 2018.

“I can name, for the purposes of media clarity, the two suspects as Boris Jobsdonavitch of no fixed moral compass, a man we believe to be an associate of Underworld characters Tim ‘Taxis’ Yeo, Rupert ‘Dandelion’ Burdoch, John ‘Baseball bat’ Bolton, Bob ‘Bikes’ Diamond-Geezer, and Darius ‘Horsehead’ Guppy; and Tsarina Maynovichok, self-appointed Prime Sinister of Britain and former leader of the infamous Home Office ‘Soccer Team’ responsible for sending millions of West Indians to a fate worse than death in Penge.

“When apprehended, suspect Jobsdonavitch said, ‘Look here, do you know who I am?’, a remark that has led us to refer him for medical examination on suspicion of amnesia”.

Commenting on Inspector Nickel’s statement, Momentum founder Jon Lansman said that British workers must remain constantly vigilant in the face of Little Englander fascism, and be ready at all times to dump a commitment to non-violence in favour of cracking skulls in the name of progress.

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THIS IS THE REAL STORY AS ALLEGED BY THE TELEGRAPH: (my italics)

‘Police and intelligence agencies have identified key suspects in the attempted assassination of Sergei Skripal ad his daughter Yuria, the Telegraph has learned.

‘Counter-terrorism police are building a case against “persons of interest” in Russia.

‘It is thought that a search of flight manifests in and out of Britain has yielded specific names.

‘However, police will hit a diplomatic brick-wall in trying to interview the suspects.

‘Authorities believe the Skripals were targeted by a Russian hit-squad that smeared Novichok on the doorknob of their Salisbury home.

‘A former Metropolitan police detective said, ‘Certain Russians were on certain flights and were in Salisbury at the time’.

Con Coughlin, eat your heart out…..

In summary: the Daily Telegraph has been told by person or persons unknown that suspects as yet unknown have been identified. They are allegedly Russian and appear to be interesting; furthermore, equally unidentified persons believe they were part of a hit-squad. They were on certain flights as yet unidentified, and, at some point or another, they were in Salisbury. We will never know who they were and they will never come to trial because there is a diplomatic brick wall.

Most of the uncertainty, it seems, comes from the unidentified nature of certain flights, Russians, sources and nerve agents. It is clear that certain people flew in to do these things, but the Telegraph is uncertain as to why they did so, who they were and who they heard from about all these certainties.

It is vital for all patriotic Western citizens to realise exactly why this is conclusive proof that, when all other tall stories fall apart, new investigations will produce new even taller tales of unidentified people on unidentified flights hiding behind very high diplomatic walls. The Taily Doggygraph concludes:

“….demands for access to “persons of interest” will further ratchet up tensions between the UK and Russia” and so they are not going to make any. This means, tragically, we will never know why they were interesting, which is sad because nobody on our side ratcheted up any tensions at all.

“Funny I fought, I fought funny…..”