DEAD FROM DOWNING STREET: Zombie deals R Us

 19:50 We’re back in the Crunch Meeting space. Or rather, the Prime Minister and her Cabinet were until just before 8 pm. It obviously went really well, because after five hours, there was no sign of white smoke. But in the last few minutes (as I wrote at the time) the meeting broke up. That’s what happens in a crunch: things get broken. But no news had broken as such….although I was tumescent with expectation because sources as reliable as Sky News said Mrs ReMayne was due to make a statement shortly. It wasn’t clear whether the statement would be curt as well – or indeed whether she’d have anything substantive to say – but when there are crunches about, sometimes it’s difficult to know what, if anything, has survived from the car crash.

 20:24 In this exclusive picture (left) taken for The Slog by Number 10 top cat and top source Minx,  we can see the effect upon the woman with her hand on the tiller, her finger on the pulse, and her nose up the Alternative State’s arse. We can still clearly make out her favourite blue scarf towards the bottom there, and the fingers of her hands fending off the crunching collisions with the EU, the Conservative rebels, the Labour leader, the Cabinet and her Whips, the last of whom were described this morning as “twitchy’ by the BBC’s dog-eared reporter Laura Kuckoobird.

20:23 The Prime Minister emerges and says that, hand on heart and head in clouds, she is able to confirm that twenty-five otherwise perfectly adequate, self-centred, gender-certain and emotionally challenged people have agreed that the draft agreement should be agreed as the basis for moving forward to get the agreement of Parliament to the only thing upon which Leavers and Remainers can agree, viz: the draft agreement is extremely disagreeable.

20:24 Once all twenty-five Members have taken a leak, leaking via text begins. Around Westminster, the bookies are having a field day on the likely number of resignations by 10.30 am tomorrow

21:55 Sources close to the A&E department of Netherhopping General Hospital confirm that the Prime Minister was declared politically dead at 21:29 CET today. Senior Consultant in Spin obstetrics Arron A. Jeezdring told journalists, “There was some  initial hope that Mrs May could conceive of an alternative to perpetual cat-calling from Guy Verhofstadt; but despite our reluctant efforts, she was unable to respond to treatment”.

22:15 Downing Street announces that the Prime Minister has decided, after much time spent searching for her heart and soul, to retreat into life as a Buddhist Nazi Jihadist Nun of the Cistercian Dipstick Crappist Order.

More updates will follow as they happen Dead here on Slog News. Use our new app to download updates automatically and upload downbeat analyses that just make you feel so terribly depressed you want to vomit on a Foreign Secretary.

Scottish Sturgeon General’s warning: the value of SNP votes can go up or down depending on hypocrisy. The past is no guide to the future. Now is not the time to dwell on the past. The past is a foreign country. The future makes fools of us all. Those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it. History is written by the victors. Theresa May is history. Days of Future Passed do not necessarily produce Nights in white satin. Black is white and Now is Then and evermore shall be so – or not, depending on the Vix index and many other factors. Always consult your financial advisers before deciding to ignore every last fucking word they say.