REAL COVID THREAT: Health supremo lashes out

This woman has got it wrong. Even though most experts insist that the Covid19 droplet is roughly two inches by one inch in size, the hole she has cut for reasons of pure vanity will be easy for the virus to get through

No, wrong again – this is a brassière, and only suitable for patients with two very large noses.

Silly, but correct. Unfortunately, the chap shown here moved just as we were taking the shot, as so often happens in the crappy photo-booths we are forced to use these days due to the Covid cuts introduced by that Ravi Shankar bloke or whatever his name is.

Remember, you don’t have to be a miserable beggar just because I’m facing the biggest threat to my Commons seat since I was criticised for hiring a private jet to fly back from a climate conference and accepting money from a key backer of climate change denial organisation Global Warming Policy Foundation, and then apologised after retweeting a poem suggesting that the Labour Party was full of Peers, which was as I said at the time a total accident on account of I meant to say “full of queers”.

So be happy, smile behind your mask, buy that nice policeman a drink next time he’s in your local waving a cosh about for your own good, and remember: even if, in order to be free of this deadly global killer, you have to be locked in at home and watch your business go bankrupt, you will have saved millions of healthy people from having to endure two days in bed.

Think not of yourself, but instead help us to help you give us the power we need to help ourselves.