Heart-led parenting and why the usual parenting labels are so unhelpful

The other day I was asked what style of parenting I used. A few years ago I would have probably said ‘attachment parenting’, back when my oldest was a baby. Maybe a little while after that, I would have said ‘child-led’. Then I had a phase of trying to be all Steiner-y and we had no TV and only wholesome food. Later still we intentionally took an ‘unschooling’ or ‘Taking Children Seriously’ approach.

Nowadays I just say ‘no style – I follow my heart’, having learned, to my cost and that of my children, that subscribing to any particular ‘style’ of parenting is restrictive and unhelpful whatever style you choose.

The reason I believe this, is that as an ‘attachment parent’, I felt guilty when I put my baby down, even when she was my third baby and I had no choice because one of my older children needed me…and I felt bad if I insisted that I hold her even when my older children needed holding too.

As an ‘Steinery’ parent, I felt bad if I let my kids watch TV, or eat sweets and I felt bad withholding them as well. As an ‘unschooler’, I felt guilty when I found I’d had enough of kids being around and insisted they go to bed at a reasonable time, and miserable when I let them choose their own bedtimes.

The fact is that I wasn’t listening to my heart. I wasn’t listening to the very part of me that knew the truth and was trying to get me to listen to it. I was feeling bad so much of the time because I wasn’t listening to my inner voice. I was ignoring it because I’d been told by people I thought were wiser than my inner voice that kids should have no TV, or child-chosen bedtimes, or to carry my baby day in, day out.

For other mothers they’re being told by other people to leave their babies to cry, or to have a strict routine, when their hearts are telling them otherwise.

The truth is, though, that our inner voices know best and we would do well to listen to them, if we can hear them, that is. When we label ourselves, we are effectively turning down our inner voice’s volume, and it becomes like hearing someone listening to loud music on their headphones. Our inner voices keep trying to get through, by sending us all sorts of negative feelings that make our lives difficult:

• irritableness
• difficulty sleeping
• anxiety
• defensiveness
• depression

I think the depression one is particularly pertinent. I don’t imagine ‘not listening to your heart’ is ever listed as a potential cause of post-natal depression, but I’ve had the privilege of supporting many mothers who have been diagnosed with ‘post-natal depression’ who have found their symptoms dissipate when they stop doing whatever it is that they feel uncomfortable about, but what someone they feel they should respect has told them they must do. I’m fairly certain that a number of cases of ‘post-natal depression’ would be prevented if we supported mothers more to listen to their inner voices.

And then there’s that niggly feeling that something’s just not quite right. That feeling we’ve been trained to ignore, and which we refer to (sometimes dismissively) as ‘mother’s intuition’.

So here’s my plea to all the readers of The Awakened Parent – drop all other ‘styles’ of parenting that have been described by other parents, and non-parents as well, and own the ‘heart-led parenting’ label. Be proud as you tell people ‘I follow my heart’, and notice how you feel as you do it.

I’m not suggesting that we all stop reading forums, or books (or blogs ), or talking to people about parenting. Those are all wonderful ways of getting new ideas, and mulling over different approaches to a particular problem. But don’t get bogged down in them. Be flexible. Our children’s needs change so frequently, and each of our children will have different needs to each other.

Maybe a Gina Ford approach feels incredibly calming and peaceful to one of your children (my only beef with Gina Ford is how prescriptive she is, and how disempowering to mothers that way of writing can be) but another needs space to find her own patterns. Maybe in  the winter your children like early bedtimes, but in the summer they struggle to sleep and it makes more sense for your family to become more free-flowing with when you all sleep.

And I’d also suggest not just listening to your heart, but to the hearts of your children as well, which are also wiser than you know. Don’t assume a stubborn child is just being stubborn – maybe their inner voices know more than your child can verbalise? Maybe the five-year old who can’t sleep on her own suddenly is actually listening to her inner voice and can’t understand why you can’t hear it as well.

Our hearts won’t always tell us what we should be doing, but they’re rather expert at telling us when we’re not doing the right thing, so break out of those moulds and get listening!

More on the harm of labelling, but in relation to children, here.

I want to hear your stories!

Please get in touch if you’d like to share your own story on here of a moment when you were able to find the answer to a parenting problem by listening to your heart; or of how you came to realise the importance of doing so. Have a look at the Parents’ Stories page for more information.

Image credit: Sven Kirkpatrick, Through my Eyes

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