Guest Post: Mummy’s Boy?

I am truly delighted to welcome my very good friend, Claire, to The Awakened Parent, with this truly enlightened article about mothering boys. Claire is mother to two boys aged 3 and 6 years old. She initially struggled with post natal depression as a result of the inner conflict of wanting to parent in an attached heart led manner, far from her family, in a modern world full of conflicting advice to parents. She eventually discovered like minded people, blogs and books and has been able to rebuild an unbreakable level of trust in her instincts and spirit.

Claire is a passionate feminist who believes that they key to taking feminism to the next level and bring about equality and fairness to men and women lies with teaching boys about feminism now. She believes that it is crucial for everyone to to understand the harm that inequality does to everyone regardless of their gender. Just as feminist parents of girls are annoyed by the abundance of pink, feminist parents of boys are annoyed by the abundance of ‘toughness’, ‘cheeky monkeyness’ and the lack of pink.

Mummy’s boy?

Being the mum of two boys (5 and 3 years) is hard work but great fun. But I know in many fundamental ways it is no different to being the mum of girls. Boys need all of the same things any child needs – unconditional love, respect, stability, support and trust in their parent.

What is different about bringing up boys is the social pressure to ‘toughen them up’ and make sure they grow up ‘strong’ and don’t turn into ‘wimps’. Heaven forbid that they become a ‘cry baby’ or a ‘mummy’s boy’ forever clung to the apron strings. But what does this really mean for boys, men, society, and Mothers?

Sadly what we already know about men is that being a young man can be a risky business. In 2011 three times more men than women committed suicide (Source: World Health Organisation). By 15 years old boys are three times more likely to die from accidents or violence than girls. The adult prison population in the UK consists of 95% men and only 5% women. According to drugscope.org.uk men are twice as likely to use class A drug. Men are also more likely to have other addictions such as gambling and alcoholism. These are shocking statistics that leave me worried for my little boys as they grow. But why are boys at so much more risk of these things than girls?

There are a number of factors at play, too many to go into here, but I can highly recommend Steve Biddulph’s book Raising Boys as an insightful must have for anyone with a boy in their family.

We know that boy infants typically receive a staggering 5 times less physical attention than girls (Source: How to Really Love Your Child – Ross Campbell). Is it any wonder that some men struggle with things like physical closeness and emotional connection? This lack of physical attention, and the pressure of society to make boys ‘men’, means that boys get less help with their emotional development. Some parents of boys fear they will turn their sons into ‘sissies’ or make them weak. So they push them away when they are experiencing emotions, rather than physically embracing them and bringing them closer. I can recall hearing parents telling their young boys to ‘toughen up’, ‘don’t be a baby’, ‘stop crying’, ‘be a big boy’, ‘boys don’t cry’, ‘you’re being a wimp’, ‘daddy doesn’t cry when…’ – as the little boy’s emotions are carelessly pushed to one side. How must that feel to a small child? What must be going through their minds? What stories, messages and behaviours does it create for their future selves?

It is well known that if an emotional need is unmet, a person will often find a way of compensating for it. They may become more frustrated, aggressive, withdrawn, or rely on harmful addictive behaviours to fill the gaps in their emotional needs. – Hence the shocking statistics in the differences between men and women. There is a huge amount of pressure on young men to be society’s version of a typical man. But what if a young man doesn’t feel comfortable doing the things his peers are doing or expecting from him? It must feel very isolating to be a young man who can’t express his true self, for fear of being branded ‘over emotional’, ‘unmanly’ or ‘weak’.

I often try to think ahead to the future. What kind of grown up sons would I like to have… Do I want the kind that only show up on the occasional Sunday, Mother’s Day or my birthday with a token gift in hand, make polite small talk then leave? No I don’t! Do I want a son who is tough and a ‘man’s man’ but not true to themselves or lacking emotionally? No I don’t! I want sons who are free to come to me at any point in their lives to discuss in depth who they are and how they are feeling. I want to go out for coffee with them for a chat and to hang out, or to the cinema or to dinner. Why is it seen as more acceptable for mothers and daughters to do these things than mothers and sons? Why should mother son relationships be any less than mother daughter relationships? They shouldn’t. I want my sons to be truly happy in their lives. I want them to choose things (be it clothes, hairstyles, hobbies, careers, partners) that they love, not just the things they think they ought to love to be a man.

The world really does not need any more tough men, it needs men who are emotionally balanced, compassionate, have integrity, and are free to be true to themselves. So if you are a parent of a baby boy remember to hold them close, shower them with physical affection, hug them loads (even when they are teenagers and taller than you), let them be emotional and discuss emotions with them, let them explore who they are without judgement, never label them or try to toughen them up. You will not spoil them, or make them weak, you will be giving them a solid emotional base that will serve them, their future partners, society and your relationship well.

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