Dear Me two years ago,
I can see how worried you are sitting there today, looking in on your baby. You’re struggling to believe she’ll ever be anything more than the smallest Smidge you’ve ever seen but she will be, she’ll grow big and strong and beautiful, just give her time.
You feel tired today, I can see that, You want more than a dangerous cuddle that may make her worse, I’m afraid it’s going to be that way for a while, but one day she’ll be yours,all yours and you can hold her close whenever you want, it will be up to you.
Today the Doctors are talking about restarting her feeds, but you don’t want to rush her, you want to freeze time and keep her safe forever. No one can blame you for thinking like that, you don’t like not being the one to make all the decisions, it goes against all your natural instincts, against everything you prepared for, but don’t be scared.
One day you will look back and you will know it was for the best and knowing will be be so much easier than hoping.I promise you that.
Sometimes you get worried that you’re not your level best, that other people are judging you.It’s not easy feeling like you’re being watched but try not to worry, nobody expects you to be amazing, nobody expects you to be okay with all this. If ever there was a time to not be perfect, then now is that time so don’t feel ashamed.
It wont be long before you’re taking that baby home, yes,soon it will be your turn to walk out of the NICU doors with a beautiful baby girl.
It will be scary at first and I’m sorry to say it won’t be the last you’ll see of the hospital either,but things will be okay because you will know just what to do and how to look after her.
And now best of all, let me give you a little glimpse of the future…
This is your little girl. Isn’t she perfect? Isn’t she everything you ever dreamed of?
This is her just after her second birthday enjoying her third Christmas.. beautiful, happy, healthy.
Now look again at the tiny face in the incubator in front of you, because she will only be that tiny once. You see that little hat she wears? One day it will make a snug fit on her tiny doll that she’ll push around in a toy pram.
One day you’ll look at a copy of her tiny foot prints and you’ll ask yourself ’Was she really that small?’
and you’ll be reminded of this very day when you wondered what the future held and you will know it was worth every minute of the path you walked.
Until then, have faith.
Kindest regards,
The future Me. xx
My name is Leanna and I am currently a full time- stay -at home Mum to Mr. G and Baby-Roo (Smidge) We live in a lovely farmhouse in Devon with my long term partner and soon- to -be hubby Stephen. Our home is beautifully nestled in a tarmacked field, the chickens being the only living survivors of a capitalist overhaul. In this diary I offer a personal account of what it is like to have a baby born at 25 weeks gestation,weighing in at a teeny 1lb 7oz. Watch this space and see me scribble about our everyday muddles and struggles. Share my funniest thoughts, my silliest ideas and all my ranty ramblings as the aftermath takes hold and corrupts my fragile mind….
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