How To Spend Your Money

Why is everyone spending their money on things that are useless? Let me let you in on something – nobody cares about the rims on your truck. Those expensive sunglasses? Nope. Kitchen upgrades? Not a chance. You know that kitchen/bathroom project you think will impress your friends? I tell you the truth. They will nod and say nice things but as soon as you stop babbling about granite colors they will forget everything you said.

But Bryan, if no one cares about things I’m buying then what should I do? Glad you asked. Buy things that matter and will improve your life.

1. Sheets – Skimp on everything else in your bedroom. Those end-tables? you’ll never notice them. But not sheets. You spend way too much time in there so splurge on those thread counts son. I’m talking about making the trade agreement for Egyptian cotton work for you. This is your reward for putting up with life day in and day out.

2. Detergent – This one should be easy. Look, I’m no stranger to the knock-off section of grocery stores. Whenever I need to remind my wife that I shouldn’t be doing the grocery shopping, I head on over to Walmart and pretend I’m a Nascar team sponsored by Great Value. Gets me off of shopping duty for the awhile. These are your clothes. Spend the money on high-dollar pods instead of whatever is in those bright-yellow boxes on the bottom aisle. 

3. Eggs – it might all be a scam, but I’m all over paying the extra couple dollars to get some brown straight from a happy damn chicken normal eggs. I just picture the super cheap ones to be some sort of ooze from chemically-engineered unclassified bird species. RELATED: This is as “organic” as I get.

4. HBO – I sympathize with this argument. Hey, times are tough out there. But it’s the best channel on TV with the shows that everyone talks about. Hell, HBO on Demand is worth it alone. Find a reason to cut $17 a month from your budget in other ways. I suggest getting rid of your wife’s phone.

5. Grill – life is too short to be fumbling around with a crappy grill. As life wears on and you can count the number of actual friends on one hand, you’ll discover that grillin/drinking time is quality time as an adult. Get something that makes it worthwhile. Be a man. cook stuff with fire.