Since America was born, every 30 years, there’s a Great Depression or, in the least, a helluva recession. At least several times within those thirty or so years, we’ve seen massive changes in government that have resulted in new and highly restrictive laws that effectively peeled away the Constitutional rights of America and dismantled her beloved Constitution.
Collectively, what does that gorgeous hunk o’ beauty, America, do about it every single time?
She bends over, all but invites the rapists into her home, and takes it up her a$$ets.
Never fails.
Look it up: every 30 years or so. Okay, sometimes 20, sometimes 36. Big deal. Regardless of the exact interval, here’s what we see, though: mass rape, pillage and plundering across the entire country. America’s a$$ets are hemorrhaging for years, she can barely walk, and never actually heals; the bloody wounds just fester and stink like rotting meat. Worse, America ends up contracting some insidious communicable disease—the dumbs comes to mind, on top of all that Madison Avenue-inspired, DNA-coded stupidity—that’s readily transferred to fellow rape victims.
Take a slice of America’s pretty life over a 24-hour period and examine it closely. Turn it over in your hands, rotate it around a few times, sniff it, dare to run your tongue over its surface. What do you sense? If you do this with a bunch of slices over the course of a few months, do you notice any changes in the texture, color, fabric, look, and overall feel of those slices?
Probably not, because things in life tend to change slowly. Very slowly. While light may move at the speed of, well, light, and mechanical vibrations in the air at sea level at around 750 miles an hour, give or take a few mph, the velocity of human activity is so excruciatingly leisurely as to appear to be at a dead stop all day long. In short, we move and change and evolve so slowly that we don’t even notice it.
And that’s the qualitative statistic, brandished like a medieval claymore, by The First Sphere of Influence: America won’t notice getting screwed up her a$$ets by the most infamous and prolific con men the world has ever seen. Worst of all, these con men know a bit about math and statistics, and they know how to manipulate those in their favor all too well.
Like America, are you currently one of those who failed all levels of math in grade school, high school and college? Do you melt at the sight of a few numbers, even on a Wal-Mart receipt or Lotto notification?
America hates numbers. She hates statistics even more, unless they’re wrapped in Christina Hendricks’ barely-there lingerie, screaming headlines like: 10 Worst TV Show Pickup Lines . . . 1 in 4 Girls Has This Disease . . . 100 Sex Positions in 10 Days.
Not even on a good day would America dare bat her long lashes at a headline that read 20% of America is Out of Work or Gold Now Leveraged 100 to 1.
If a statistic doesn’t make America come in her jeans, then she tosses her sexy blonde locks over her shoulder and turns a big blind blue eye to it.
America, you’re beautiful and sexy and delicious and I’d love to fuck your brains out, but after the greatest sex on the planet, you have nothing to offer me—no stimulating conversation, no intimate exchange of I Love Yous, no promises of a grand future together. In the end, America, you’re just a fuckin’ dumbass who looks good on the cover of a magazine or in the fold of a 700-page glossy, behind that fake anchor desk in Atlanta, in those catchy TV ads on HBO.
Looking good and sexy and desirable is your goal, America, and you eschew real substance for platinum hair and Betsey Johnson skimpy things that show off your exquisite a$$.
America the Beautiful, indeed.
As you wind your way down Sunset Boulevard in your topless Mercedes S-something, sexy blonde tresses waving about like the gentle Malibu Pacific, lipstick on fire, killer D-cups pointing at the moon like ICBMs, and a 23-inch power waist over a rock-hard six-pack, America, your looks could stop the Red Army before they left the barracks at Beijing. You exude the most sophisticated sensuality the world has ever known. Kim Kardashian and those delish curves couldn’t hold a candle to you.
You are the shit, America.
All that, and a fuckin’ dumba$$, too.
What’s the last thing you read today, America?
Hold on a sec, don’t strain yourself. I’ll give you a clue:
Do Moms Belong at Bachelorette Parties? What About Grandmas?
5 Cheap Date Ideas for Earth Day
Obamas head to North Carolina for quick vacation
Henderson sews up top prize on ‘Project Runway’
Bradford, Tebow and the Big 12 lead NFL draft
Michael Douglas’s son sentenced to 5 years
America, you’ve ignored the important for the vacuous, cast aside the significant for the moronic, and, on behalf of The First Sphere of Influence, destroyed the very foundation of freedom and liberty that were bequeathed to you by a group of men who, if they were alive today, would surely burn you at the stake. Actually, there might be one or two who’d bend you over a chair first.
Why are you so fucking $tupid, America? Maybe you should sit down for this one: America, you are utterly $tupid because you don’t give a shit.
Plain and simple.
You do not care what happens to your peace, freedom and liberty. You don’t have the time to consider that The First Sphere of Influence is roasting you slowly over a spit, brushing on a little barbeque sauce each day so you don’t dry out like the Brit, French and German beauties did decades ago. Remember those babes? Doubtless, you don’t, because you were glued to the tube, out at the beach, or strolling down a red carpet at Cannes.
You mistakenly think those con men are giving you a world-class massage and spa treatment, because you’re a dumba$$, America.
The saddest part of this little story is that you won’t wake up until it’s too late and, by that time, you’ll be a perfect 160 degrees Fahrenheit, your skin just the right touch of crispiness, and all that gorgeous muscle underneath—including that killer six-pack—falling off you like butter.
America, those con men are salivating as we speak, waiting for you to come up to temperature, waiting for your eyes to pop from the internal pressure. And they sit there, knife and fork in hand, dainty napkin hanging from a shirt, tongue lolling right, left, then right again, drooling over your death and, even better, how you will taste in your delicious, 5-star afterlife. . . .
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