Breaking News-elsie Springs A Leak

In southwestern Wisconsin today, a massive dairy spill threatened to destroy parts of the countryside.  Guernsey cow Elsie sprung a leak on all four udders.  The leak released massive amounts of untreated milk into the environment.  Dairy Futures at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange were limit up on the news, as fears of a dairy shutdown were imminent.

The EPA was on the case right away.  Dan Smithers, head of milk recovery efforts said that dairy farmer Sven Bergstrom had a history of EPA violations.  It was only a question of time before disaster occurred. Smithers was worried about the milk entering the Mississippi River watershed, and coating nesting bald eagles with dairy.  He also was concerned that fish populations in the Mississippi might ingest the milk endangering the entire food chain.  President Obama had issued executive orders last year regulating the dairy industry for possible environmental contamination from a milk spill.

Smithers said, “Bergstrom had begun to try and cut overhead costs to increase his profits.  Last year he failed a couple of inspections.  We were also investigating the charge that he (Bergstrom) was selling black market unpasteurized milk to private individuals for their own consumption out the back of his barn.  He is a menace to society and must be stopped.”

Obama issued a moratorium on all new milking.

Animal scientists have been assembled from throughout the world at the University of Wisconsin-LaCrosse to try and figure out a resolution to this situation.  Some estimates of milk flowage out of Elsie at 20 quarts per hour.  This is the largest milk spill in the history of the Wisconsin dairy industry.

Over at Buck’s Fly Shack, fisherman were nervous.  They are afraid that milk will get into the estuaries that they fish and cloud the water, making it difficult for trout to see their flies.  Bill “Caddis” Schmidt, fly fisherman guide is worried about his business.  ”There may be a big loss of tourism here to beautiful southwest Wisconsin.  This dairy spill could affect us for a long time as we wait for the trout to recover.”

Other animal scientists are worried about all the excess protein and fat being ingested by fish.  They are worried that a sub species could be created, genetically altering the balance of nature. Dawn Ribold chief geneticist at Genetic Research and Development proposed infusing Lipitor into the streams to make sure the cholesterol levels of the fish stay constant.  We are afraid that fish with high cholesterol will propagate a new sedentary sub species of fish that just want to hang out among the rock shales and watch the stream pass by.  Fish need to be swimming.

Students at the progressive University of Wisconsin took to the streets and rioted.  They were protesting the speculation on dairy prices and the potentially increased price of frozen yogurt at the popular Red Mango store in Madison.  ”I love me my frozen yogurt.”, said Stevie Starlight, Human Studies major.

Hollywood actor Rock McShane came out hard against the dairy industry.  ”The dairy industry is ruining our lives.  They have put their lobbyists in positions of power.  They earn too much profit, and they pollute our environment. Excessive cow farts are causing global warming.”  Penn began writing a new script for a movie highlighting the underhandedness and dastardly behind the doors double dealing of the milk farmers lobby.  ”They have Republican politicians in their back pocket.”, McShane said.

Meanwhile, Elsie was still gushing milk.  The scientists at Wisconsin-LaCrosse were considering building a  massive diaphragm of reinforced latex to capture the milk.  The diaphragm would be tightly secured around the udder using environmentally friendly milk duct tape. Then the milk could be pumped into dairy trucks and taken away to a toxic waste dump for treatment and disposal.

The strategy is risky. The fear is the pressure build up on the udder could be too much, causing the diaphragm to explode.  Then the disaster would be worse than it already is.  In addition, the government requisitioned materials are expensive.  Environmentally safe milk duct tape is $824,000 per roll.   It takes at least two or three rolls to secure the diaphragm to the cow.  Cost estimates for the clean up run into the hundreds of millions of dollars.  When you add in the cost to repair and clean bridges, roads, streams, and the decrease in tourism, the cost easily will run into the billions.

Already pints of milk are making their way into the Mississippi.  Clean up crews are trying to skim the milk with pool skimmers.  They were wearing special Osh Kosh B’Gosh clean up clothing, and Land’s End rubber boots. Halloween costume makers were already fast at work trying to prepare “Milk Clean Up” costumes for the coming season.

In a move to stem the tide of fear bubbling up from the hills of southwest Wisconsin, President Obama and his family flew on Air Force One to Boscobel, WS to do a little camping. After a couple of hours of camping, the President was going to fly to the Cayman Islands for some scuba diving and spear fishing.  The First Lady has made eating right a pillar of her outreach efforts since her husband was elected to office. She said, “Handle milk carefully, and make sure you always drink skim.”

Scientists now report that they are abandoning the diaphragm idea.  Thousands of wild cats have descended into southern Wisconsin and are licking up the spilled milk.  Scientists are surprised that this sort of bio organism existed in the environment.  PhD in Socially Environmental Engineering Thad Jones said, “This is a new phenomena that scientists in the lab never have studied or seen before.’  Jones applied for a federal grant to study the effects of wild cats consuming untreated milk.

Stay tuned to this blog for more breaking developments.

Read more at Points and Figures