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'Celebrity Apprentice' Episode 2 Recap: Tears in my Meatloaf

Monday, March 14, 2011 15:19

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Welcome to the recap of my new favorite show…’Celebrity Apprentice.’ Mannnn! This show has it all! Cranky old people, weepy old Rockstars, sefl important former lawyer/talkshow hosts, scared supermodels, ‘happy go lucky’ deaf people, Busey, dumb baseball players, billionaires with bad teeth, Busey, the Jackson that never got any love…Busey… so let’s talka bout what we saw on the show last night.

Trump showed up to greet the contestants with sons Nepotism and Spare Trump and their horribly bad teeth. I’m sorry, but when your dad has a gold plated bidet, you can see an orthodontist.

So the challenge get’s laid down… write and act out a children’s story for children’s book writer, and former Celeb Apprentice Alum, Holly Robinson Peete. Fair enough. But you just know with these morons they will make an easy project extraordinarily and unnecessarily difficult.

They can’t even pick their project leaders without difficulty. Meatloaf takes the challenge, but poor Lisa Rinna gets all weak in the knees and allows herself to be bullied into the job. NeNe Leakes almost can’t contain her glee as she eyeballs the camera and yells, “Sabotage, suckas!”

It’s time to come up with a story and the guys kind of have an unfair advantage in that they have four songwriters on their team, so it really isn’t all that hard for them to come up with a concept and a story. Pretty much at this point we know they have it in the bag… if Meatloaf can get his act together and corral Big Dumb Joe and Busey. Wow. Canseco has some rusty gears in that ol’ noggin’ of his, doesn’t he?

There was some confusion with the props and Meatloaf almost had a nervous breakdown, Busey was climbing light poles and giving tribal commands and Canseco was just sitting there trying to process one thought at a time…this might very well be the downfall of the guys…

Over at Team ASAP Lisa and the girls are coming up with their concept and dealing with a very cranky old lady, Miz Dionne Warwick. Basically they come up with the tired ol’ story about a Lion that can’t roar, but Marlee Matlin wants the Lion to be hearing impaired, and Miz Dionne is basically against anything about a buncha freaks like that. Oh it was sooooo awkward. Poor Niki Taylor looked like she was going to dive under the table and start sucking her thumb.

It wasn’t as deliciously awkward as Marlee signing furiously that she was a ‘happy go lucky’ person while she was shooting laser beams out of her eyes. Yikes.

ANYWAY, their story was really lame, leaving Star and NeNe to pretty much do all of the grunt work while they went and rehearsed and tried to keep grumpy Miz Dionne Warwick in check. They couldn’t, because Miz Warwick went from 0 – DIVA in about .2 nanoseconds when she wasn’t credited with ‘creating’ a tale as old as time. Personally I wouldn’t want my name anywhere near a mess like that, but Dionne has a Diva sized ego that must be acknowledged. It was cute how Niki Taylor was all meek and tried to speak up a little, “Um excuse me…um Miss Warwick…um I was thinking maybe this was a team eff–”

“Nikki Taylor, how many Grammys do you have?”

“Um…well Ms. Warwick…I’m a model.”

“Exactly, now sit there, shut up and look pretty.”

“Yes, Miss Warwick. I’ll sit down and shut up now.”

Finally Lisa put her foot down and stopped that nonsense, but you could pretty much tell that the women’s goose was cooked at that point.

So it’s time for the show. Theater’s full of kids, Holly Robinson Peete is front and center..let the games begin.

Team ASAP start things off, and it was like a weird, beat poetry, LaToya in bizarre boots, kind of play acting. Whoa. Even these little kids were like, “The hell are we watching?” so they failed with flying colors.

Team Backbone took the stage and you could tell fromt he first second they were going to OWN Team ASAP in this challenge. Busey was priceless, and even Canseco managed to get his lines of, “Caveman in dress, play teacher, make lil’ Jon big” out without much incident. Smiles all around, until the Hatch 3000 glitter cannon went off and terrified everyone. Wrong crowd, Richard…wrong crowd.

Off to the boardroom we go and of course The Donald, flanked by sons Nepotism and Spare Trump have to play with their prey a little before killing it and it’s just difficult to watch, because you know everyone wanted to unload, but were watching themselves. Naturally Team Backbone won because they didn’t stink, and Meatloaf got all weepy about it. So that was cute.

Team ASAP lost and it was time for Lisa to ride this sinking ship to the very bottom of the ocean. She tried to cling to the life raft that was Star Jones, but Miz Dionne kept adding weight to the anchor. After Trump’s “Holy hell I love your lips” monologue, I thought maaaaaybe Miz Dionne would be the one going home, alas Lisa was fired and it was time for her to get in the cab of shame and head on home to more failed reality dreams and Harry Hamlin.

So that’s that for this week. Did I already mention I was in love with this show? Cuz I am!

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