Why I left Buzzfeed (A Parody)

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Why I Left BuzzFeed! I never really told you guys that I had worked at Buzzfeed but now I’m going to skip ahead and tell you why I left. I had been with Buzzfeed for two and half years. I started as an assistant janitor and worked my way up janitor. So I was kind of like a liaison between throwing out other people’s trash and cleaning the bathroom stalls. This is a parody cause Buzzfeedvideo sucks.

A lot of my job was throwing out lunches and cleaning up vomit. I cleaned up for people who were brainstorming for “Here Taste This”, “Let’s Waste Everyone’s Time” and “Does This Food Make My Ass Look Fat”.  Those shows. Then eventually I got to clean up for The Ladies and yes that included supplying tampons and of course cleaning their bathroom stalls.

So I kind of have a different background story I guess. I was never a producer. I was a (use air quotes) social garbage manager and then eventually a senior social garbage manager but I also got to clean up after video shoots as well which was really really disgusting.

Anyway, like I was saying, I really got to see all aspects of Buzzfeed…from the standpoint of the garbage. Eventually, you know, I got a little tired of cleaning up after everyone. But still I wasn’t really looking for a way out. I wasn’t searching for a new job. Because let’s face it garbage at BuzzFeed is basically the same as garbage at Epic Rap Battles.

But then I was recruited away and I had to stop and think. I mean I’d been there for two and half years. I’d been picking up after these people for such a long time it felt like family. It wasn’t family but it felt like family. It really felt like when I worked at a college. So I had to decided if I wanted to move on to this new gig of picking up other people’s trash somewhere new or if I wanted to stay with Buzzfeed and just keep picking up their trash.

It was a really really hard decision but at the end of the day I wanted to see if other places were producing the same level and quality of garbage that BuzzFeed was producing. I was Dying (Dy-ing). I dreaded having to tell my boss that I was leaving and put in my two weeks. I was shaking and I was crying. Mostly, due to the crystal meth I had done in the parking lot that morning but still it was very emotional for me to leave. 

I know that every single person that has left has had a really hard time cleaning up after themselves and throwing their own garbage away. Because Buzzfeed is very unique in that it’s producing so much trash so quickly it almost feels like a secret club or even a cult where I would leave a room after just cleaning it and then come back to find just hordes of garbage piled up everywhere. 

Like where was this garbage coming from. Sometimes I’d look around and say to myself. Wow! These people are supposed to be the best of the best and the brightest of the brightest but they never learnt how to put plates into a trash bin. I mean common basic stuff.

So I really had to think when I was presented with this opportunity. Would it be a step down. Is this not the right thing to do am I already at a place that produced the most trash or could I go somewhere that was a little cleaner or had people that just had basic common health skills for keeping themselves and the area around them clean. 

But I knew that I had to take that leap and try something new and go somewhere else and it was really hard. A lot of people told me I was going to make a huge mistake and a lot of people told me that the garbage at Buzzfeed was so unlike any other garbage anywhere else that I’d never be happy dealing with less garbage. 

If anything I want this video to teach you that what you think is an office producing a lot of garbage may just be the tip of the iceberg and there may be a lot more people out there who just simply don’t know how to clean up after themselves. But follow your dream because there are offices where people understand how to clean up after themselves. Yes, they are mostly older folk who didn’t just get out of college. They don’t spend the weekend drinking themselves into oblivion and then crying that they are alone at 2 o’clock in the morning. But I assure you, you can find an office where they produce more than just the garbage that Buzzfeed produces. 

And now back to The Johno Show…