The Ultra Conservative Republican Stars of CPAC Meet At Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center in National Harbor, MD. or: Mommy, I’m A-Scared of the Clowns

The other evening laundries in and around our nation’s capital, as well as those of the very finest hotels, were kept buzzing deep into the early morning hours in a feverish attempt to get all the necessary sheets laundered, starched, and ironed, in order that the many delegates to the ultra-conservative Republican CPAC conference could appear presentable. “One always desires to wear a freshly laundered white sheet, and in that vein, I should personally like to commend Ah Fong’s over on K Street for their excellent ironing abilities. Those chinks really can press a suit,” gushed one attendee.

The early morning seminars were well attended, especially the ones on “Should women really be allowed to vote?” “The fundamentals and mastery of the goose-step,” the Laura Ingraham – led discussion on “The link between Karl Marx and contraceptives,” and another very popular seminar “How to hide a gay husband,” which drew an overflow crowd of rapt Republican women. All the talk around the “whites only” water cooler centered on Michelle Malkin’s new tiara; said one impeccably starched Republican doyen, “she is the very epitome of conservative Republican womanhood.” Added another, “I thought my tiara was grand, but who could outshine Michelle? And it isn’t easy, mind you, to fit a tiara over a somewhat pointy hood –  and to carry it off in such grand style. Also, taken in tandem, the hood and the tiara do tend to flatten one’s carefully coiffed head, but in dire times like these one must be willing to make grave sacrifices.”

Meanwhile, at the “blacks only” water cooler the four attendees discussed who appeared whiter. The annual “Who’s more conservative?” contest was won by multi-millionaire J.C. “Buddy” Smeck who entered the event – to great applause – borne on a sedan chair, carried by four genuine Nubians. “I checked their provenance myself” he said. At the sight of the Nubians, many of the women oohed and ahhed – while fanning themselves frantically as they whispered heatedly among themselves – the words “Mandingo” “probably huge” and “well-hung” were heard – and quite a few of the women were seen to swoon dead away.

Among the many issues raised in the afternoon, the highlights were, “Why isn’t cross burning more acceptable?” “Should gays be allowed in public?” “Has slavery been given a bad rap?” “The guillotine – pro or con?” and “Why the mere thought of an erection should be considered the first sign of life.” Rush Limbaugh was a big hit with his speech on stricter marijuana laws in conjunction with privatizing prisons. He also made an impassioned plea for the legalization of oxycontin. Ann Coulter revealed, to great applause (and to the last seventeen people who didn’t know) that she was a drag queen – and then did her dead-on impersonations of Marcus Bachmann and Mitch McConnell.

Dr. Sebastian Gorka, who had to follow Coulter’s amazing tour-de-force, made a good impression anyway with his sober talk on the continuing need for the existence of poor and uneducated people because, as he so wisely noted, “Who else will fight and die in our wars, as well as pick our crops for next to nothing?” He also elaborated on the matter of school availability so dear to the heart of every ultra-conservative Republican when he said “We must re-dedicate ourselves to the effort to make sure that we only educate the right people.” This last delivered with a sly Romney wink. The audience gave that remark a standing ovation accompanied by many “Hear, hears” – and assorted “Harrumphs.”

Marsha Blackburn then took the podium to deliver her talk; “Obama – why wasn’t he married?” which prompted many in the audience to nod their heads and turn to ask each other; “Yes, why wasn’t he?”

And then it was left for Rick Santorum to deliver the fiery “Our special threeway – How Jesus shares our bed” which had the entire crowd breathing hard and waving their lit diamond encrusted Cartier lighters. After the speeches, a bejeweled platinum blonde patrician, having removed her hood in order to better sip her fourth martini, sniffed that she was a proud homemaker, devoted wife, and mother of eight, who couldn’t “understand how these socialist spics like that unattractive A.O.C. person get away with so much backtalk and sass – do they not know their place?” She asked, and then; “they seem to have very little respect for our Christian family values?” Turning to her husband, she waited for his nod of approval – and then smiled. A bit later she was seen giving a double blow-job to two prominent billionaires in the men’s room as they tongue kissed each other.

Promptly at seven pm the huge masked and robed crowd, led by Pastor John Hagee and Ralph Reed, chanted “Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a nigger by the toe” and then stood as one and lustily sang “Dixie”, before breaking for more pre-dinner cocktails, followed by a twenty-four course banquet served by a temporary minimum wage staff of 200 from the homeless shelter across town, visual proof, as one portly wag commented, “That we are charitable, we are Christians, and we are the job creators.”

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012, revised 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Barking in the Dark is run by Tony Powers, a writer/actor/musician.