Empathy Must Start With Ourselves (and Why Empaths Can Show The Least Empathy)

March 17th, 2023

By Lissa Rankin, MD

Guest writer for Wake Up World

Some of the least empathic people I’ve ever met are the ones who identify as “empaths.” But I do not blame these people for their insensitivity that can border on cruelty. I truly believe they know not what they do – because they cannot handle feeling all the feels and empathizing – with themselves.

In a world in need of more love, compassion, sensitivity, and empathy, it strikes me that some of the least empathic individuals I know are also the hardest on themselves. When some insensitive remark comes lashing out at you, you can bet they’ve hurled that same insult, criticism, or bullying thought towards themselves ten times for every one time it comes your way.

One of my dear friends, a survivor of significant trauma, turned on me one day, facing me with this hardened, mean gaze and slinging contempt my way. “You think you’re a doctor?” he said, mocking me, accusing me of being an imposter, and hurling one slur after another. I was so shocked by the behavior of my typically kind, generous friend that I was stunned into silence, until a little voice inside of me said, “He usually talks this way to himself.”

I knew in that moment that whatever was going on was not actually about me at all. When I voiced this and asked if this abusive part talked to him the same way, he broke down in tears. It was in that moment that I realized why he could be so insensitive to me when I was feeling vulnerable, scared, sad, or lonely. When he was the one feeling those feels, this mean inner judge came in and dripped sarcasm all over him. And every now and then, when I was the one feeling needy, that mean judge came after me.

It became clear to both of us in that moment that the mean judge was the one that needed empathy from us both. I was able to set a boundary with the mean judge in order to protect myself, but with the boundary firmly in place, I felt sorry for this guy inside. Why did he have to be so mean to my friend, and why did he get so mean with me sometimes? The two of us went to see a therapist to help us work through how to deal with the contemptuous mean judge, who melted when our empathy extended to him.

They say that in order to love others, we must first love ourselves, but that’s a hard sell to most people who try to love. Loving others can feel like the opposite of loving ourselves, since competing needs often require us to choose what seems good for either ourselves or for others. Rarely does a choice feel like win win. And those of us wired to caregive others will usually take the loss for ourselves in order to help others win.

CONTINUE READING:

[PINTEREST]: http://pinterest.com/wakeupword/

[TWITTER]:  http://twitter.com/joinwakeupworld

[YOUTUBE]: http://www.youtube.com/joinwakeupworld          

[GOOGLE PLUS]: https://plus.google.com/112452105795129310867/posts

[WEBSITE]: http://wakeup-world.com