The Lie We Tell Children

There are two phrases nearly every child hears while growing up. They are spoken by loving parents, encouraging teachers, patient coaches, and well-meaning grandparents. “Just do your best.” “Just try hard.” Those words are intended to build confidence, reduce fear of failure, and encourage perseverance. For children, they are wise counsel. The problem is not that they are wrong. The problem is that they become incomplete. If we never replace those childhood lessons with the realities of professional life, they can become the very beliefs that limit our success as adults.

I learned that lesson in one unforgettable conversation during Coast Guard Radioman School. Looking back, I have come to believe the greatest lesson the Coast Guard taught me had nothing to do with Morse code, radio theory, electronics, or typing. It was a lesson about standards, accountability, and the difference between effort and performance. That lesson has shaped every leadership position I have held since, from law enforcement to community organizations. It began when a chief challenged two of the most common messages we tell children.

Radioman School was a demanding five-month course designed to prepare Coast Guardsmen to operate and maintain the communications systems that connected ships, aircraft, and shore stations. We learned electronics, antenna theory, radio maintenance, message handling, and military communications procedures. We also had to master two practical skills that measured our readiness: typing at thirty-five words per minute and accurately copying Morse code at eighteen words per minute.

By the fourth month, I was falling behind. I was studying hard, staying late, and putting in the effort, but effort alone was not closing the gap. One afternoon I was called into the chief’s office.

He looked at me across his desk and asked two simple questions.

“Are you doing your best?”

“Yes, Chief.”

“Are you trying hard?”

“Yes, Chief.”

He leaned back and said something I have never forgotten.

“That’s your problem.”

I remember being stunned. Those were exactly the answers I thought he wanted to hear.

He continued.

“You’re not paid to do your best. You’re paid to meet our standards. It’s our best that’s required. It’s our standard that saves lives, not yours. You don’t decide what the standard is. We do.”

Then he addressed my second answer.

“And you don’t get paid to try. You get paid to do. You’re an adult now.”

At the time, his words felt harsh. Today, I recognize them as one of the greatest leadership lessons I have ever received.

As children, we are encouraged to do our best because children are still discovering what they are capable of becoming. Comparing one child’s progress to another often discourages learning. Praising sincere effort builds confidence and resilience. Those are important developmental goals, and decades of educational and psychological research support encouraging persistence while skills are being developed. Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset, for example, demonstrates that effort plays an important role in learning because it helps people embrace challenge and continue improving rather than giving up at the first sign of difficulty.

But somewhere between childhood and adulthood, the measuring stick changes.

Professionals do not establish the standards by which they are evaluated. Organizations do. The Coast Guard establishes qualification standards for radiomen. Hospitals establish standards for surgeons and nurses. Airlines establish standards for pilots. Police academies establish standards for recruits. Engineers, firefighters, air traffic controllers, and nuclear technicians all work within objective performance requirements that exist because other people’s safety depends upon consistent competence.

The standard is not personal. It is professional.

That realization changes everything.

The second lesson was equally important. Children are praised for trying because trying is the beginning of learning. Adults, however, eventually enter professions where effort alone no longer defines success. No patient asks whether the surgeon tried hard. No airline passenger hopes the pilot gives his best effort. No Coast Guard crew drifting in heavy seas wants to hear that the radioman sincerely tried to transmit the distress message.

Trying matters because it leads to competence.

Competence is what ultimately matters.

This is not an argument against effort. It is an argument for understanding effort’s proper place. Effort is the investment. Competence is the return. High-reliability organizations cannot afford to confuse the two because standards exist to reduce uncertainty when the consequences of failure are significant. As surgeon Atul Gawande observed in The Checklist Manifesto, consistent adherence to proven standards often prevents mistakes that individual talent alone cannot overcome.

For leaders, this distinction has practical implications.

The first transition is replacing personal benchmarks with professional standards. Instead of asking, “Did I do my best?” leaders ask, “Did I meet the standard?” Feelings become secondary to measurable performance. The standard remains constant regardless of how difficult the day may have been.

The second transition is learning to receive feedback as information rather than criticism. My chief was not attacking my character. He was identifying the gap between my current performance and the Coast Guard’s expectations. Effective professionals separate their identity from their performance. One can always improve the other.

The third transition is understanding that competence is built through disciplined practice rather than motivation alone. Research on expertise by Anders Ericsson demonstrated that exceptional performers do not become exceptional because they simply try harder. They improve through deliberate, structured practice focused on correcting weaknesses until high performance becomes routine rather than occasional.

The fourth transition is measuring success by reliability. Leadership is ultimately about trust, and trust is built when others know they can depend upon consistent performance. James Kouzes and Barry Posner have long argued that credibility is the foundation of leadership. Credibility grows when leaders repeatedly meet expectations, especially when circumstances are difficult.

The chief who spoke those words decades ago probably never imagined that I would still be thinking about that conversation many years later. I honestly don’t remember how quickly I eventually mastered Morse code or how long it took me to reach the required typing speed. Those were valuable skills, and the Coast Guard rightly expected me to master them. But they were not the most important lesson I carried away from Radioman School.

The lesson that stayed with me was that professionalism begins the moment we stop measuring ourselves by effort and start measuring ourselves against standards. Children are encouraged to try hard and do their best because they are still discovering what they can become. Professionals accept something far more demanding. They do not define excellence. They pursue it. In every profession where lives, livelihoods, or trust are at stake, people are not protected by good intentions. They are protected by competence. The Coast Guard was never interested in my personal definition of “my best.” It expected me to meet its standard. That lesson has guided every leadership role I have held ever since.

References

1. Dweck, Carol S. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Updated ed. Random House, 2016.

2. Ericsson, K. Anders, and Robert Pool. Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2016.

3. Gawande, Atul. The Checklist Manifesto: How to Get Things Right. Metropolitan Books, 2009.

4. Kouzes, James M., and Barry Z. Posner. The Leadership Challenge. 7th ed. Wiley, 2023.

5. U.S. Coast Guard. Competency Management System Manual, COMDTINST M5300.2 (current edition).

About the Author

Raymond D. Foster is a retired police officer, university educator, leadership consultant, and author. Drawing on decades of experience in the U.S. Coast Guard, law enforcement, higher education, and civic leadership, he writes about leadership, decision-making, organizational culture, and personal growth. He is the author of Leadership: Texas Hold’em Style, Chasing the Surge: 10,000 Rides in the American Night, and The Temple Within, where he combines real-world experience with practical leadership lessons for today’s readers.

Source: http://leadership-online.blogspot.com/2026/07/the-lie-we-tell-children.html