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Tax Breaks for Porn Staches

Wednesday, February 29, 2012 15:52

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Leave it to Congresscriminals to spend their valuable time during these days of recession and massive unemployment uncovering groundbreaking ways to bring us, the little people, some relief:

The Stache Act (Stimulus to Allow for Critical Hair Expenses) aims to earn a well-deserved $250 annual tax deduction for every Mustached American for expenditures on mustache grooming supplies.

Maryland Rep. Roscoe (P. Coltrane) Bartlett (R) has referred the bill to the House Ways and Means Committee because, you know, having enough money to trim your porn stache properly is far more important than having a job to pay next year’s tax bill. It’s not as if Bartlett (who claims to be unaware that he referred the bill to committee) has other important matters to bring to the House floor, except maybe a bill that would make him piss in a cup so we can find out just what he’s smoking.

But what the hell, a tax break is a tax break, right?

So as your attorney I advise you to cultivate that peach fuzz above your lip into the most glorious porn stache you’ve ever grown. Who knows: perhaps the better the mustache you grow the bigger the tax break you’ll receive.

Here are some fine examples to emulate.

1. To choose between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds is like trying to decide whether to spike your coffee with arsenic or shoot up with heroin; each had arguably the worst porn stache of the late 70s and early 80s. But Reynolds wins this example, for his distinguished look as dirty old man Jack Horner in Boogie Nights.

2. Next up is Frank Zappa. This Catholic girl loving paragon of the weird actually gets points for being a Conservative, although if you can grow a stache like that, as your attorney I’d advise you to be on the lookout for the First Wookie to throw her panties at you.

3. If you can rip off anyone’s stache, you may as well go for the Sam Elliot look. The hair flowing off your cheek bones alone is deserving of a $250 tax break, plus you’ll immediately develop the ability to kick anyone’s ass.

4. Since we’re on the subject of porn staches, I’d be remiss if I didn’t advise you some of you to like Ron Jeremy, who would have given himself a mustache ride if he could but should receive credit for being unsignificunt enough to be cast in this role in Boondock Saints.

5. In the interest of being fair, I have to include my recommendations for Liberals: Johnny Depp, who’s ability to grow facial hair is about as bad as his grasp of politics, therefore making him the perfect model for any Liberal porn stache.

Finally, it’s important to point out that not every male can grown a mustache. The president is a fine example. It’s just not in his DNA (what with the First Wookie probably having more between her legs than he does). Sorry, Mr. President, the bill won’t be giving anyone tax breaks for guys who like to rub their mustaches together.

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