Mantyhosers: Men in Tights (Because They Want It That Way)

We’re losing a war, men, and I’m not talking about the war for the White House. It’s a war on manhood. First there were bronies, men who watch and worship the TV show My Little Pony. Now, just when you thought you it was safe to pull your mancard out of your wallet and act like a caveman, comes mantyhose. Yes. Pantyhose for men. Control top for your tummy. Fashionable nylon to flash beneath your shorts. Outright insanity if you’ve ever considered yourself a man.

According to a growing number of … ahem … “men’s legwear” aficionados, you American men will be trading in your Montecristo No. 2s and flasks of 1792 bourbon for a Venus razor and Activeskin “legwear” any day now. (And, don’t forget, you men with boobs will want to ask your wife if you can borrow her bra.)

Why, the mantyhose craze is sweeping Europe, just like socialism is, once again, after spilling over to America in 2008. I mean, the president wears mom jeans and throws like a girl and takes about as long as a woman to make a decision, changing his/her mind 20 times along the way.

It stands to reason that your manhood is going to swing, very soon, for … mantylines.

Hell, your wife will love rubbing up against you in mantyhose, considering that she’d probably rather slit her own wrists than wear a pair of her own hose to the office every damned day. Oh, and you’ll have to start shaving, another inconvenience more than one woman has told me she’d rather do without. Then again, one manly mantyhose man told me on Twitter recently, “Hair belongs only on one part of the body, that’s the head.” (You can stop laughing now.)

What the hell. Let’s go out of our way, men, to do all the things that annoy women, just to feel more womanly. Let’s win hearts and minds (and the metrosexual press, naturally, is eating up this disintegration of manhood), and step away from our mental demons telling us it’s bad to want to dress like a woman and roll up those legs — BE CAREFUL! one at a time — without starting a runner and head out to join the rest of the mantyhosers for International Men in Tights Day.

It’s all about style, man … Wait. Is it man? Can I say that about a guy who wears pantyhose? Didn’t God send an 11th Commandment down from Mt. Sinai with Moses that said “Thou men shall not wear panty hose”?

Just. Make. It. Stop.

I think I need to go run with the bulls in Pamplona and suffer a concussion from a direct hit, just to erase from my mind the fact that I ever even heard the word “mantyhose.”

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