Was Ann Romney Too Blonde?

When I was growing up, the hair color ads said, “Blondes have more fun!” And of course, from the movies we learned that “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” So we thought, “Beautiful equals blonde.” And then there were the blonde jokes that confirmed “Dumb equals blonde.” (This may be useful folk wisdom. Need we say more than “Debbie Wasserman-Schultz?”)

We’ve had our share of blonde First Ladies, including Pat Nixon and Hillary Clinton. We risked having First Lady Marilyn Monroe till Jackie put the kibosh on any more JFK birthday serenades.

But as MSNBC hosts and race-baiters (sorry to be redundant) are fond of pointing out, the USA has gotten “browner” and the hair darker. It’s possible that John McCain lost votes every time Cindy tossed her tousled mane except that it wasn’t very tossable, having been frozen in place. Of course a bleached blonde is different than a natural blonde like Pat Nixon, who also wore a plain cloth coat to offset any glamour from her locks and avoid the “country club Republican” stigma.

Which brings me to Ann Romney. Did she simply turn off a country that has pivoted towards raven-haired beauty? And maybe Paul Ryan’s blonde wife didn’t help the campaign either, even when we were informed she’s a tax lawyer in case we thought blonde means airhead. (Nothing says soft and sweet like “tax lawyer,” just ask Michele Bachmann.)

Resentment of blondness may be a long-festering sore, one almost as raw as objections to the rich not paying their fair share. In fact, the rejection of Ann Romney’s blondness may have been economic at its roots. Stripping the old color off, bleaching, touching up, highlighting and streaking–these are expensive procedures in a time of stretching every dollar. There’s also the hazard of being mistaken for Paris Hilton, which could make for a great party or getting arrested depending on which country you’re in.

With blondes out of fashion, can Hillary Clinton still run in 2016? Of course! I think a gently grayed Hillary would have a shot. Girlfriend needs to tone it down and get into the grandmotherly look. Maybe she can borrow some of the gray spray that Obama used during the campaign. When Hillary runs, she’ll have inconveniently blonde Chelsea Clinton by her side. Chelsea can develop a penchant for head scarves or claim she has colored her hair 47% darker in solidarity with oppressed people. Or, there’s the James Carville look if she really wants to get freaky. Personally, I would like to see a “Save the Earth” tattoo on Chelsea’s shaved head.

Back to blonde. No, that’s not a trend. Just my way of saying let’s consider if Ann Romney’s retro blondness struck voters as something out of a 1950s Doris Day movie. (Recall that Rock Hudson’s admiring glances were for the cameraman, not Doris.) And if blondness is a turnoff, let’s scratch a reinvigorated (is there any other kind?) Newt Gingrich off our list for 2016. Calista’s shiny immovable helmet could drive wavering Independents into graying Hillary’s welcoming arms. Or scare them silly and they’ll stay home.

Finally, a word of caution for all Republican 2016 Presidential hopefuls. The blonde factor must now be weighed when choosing a possible running mate. I know you want to be politically correct and multicultural. I know you want to be caring and sensitive enough to attract women voters. Sorry, Oprah will not switch parties. And yes, the other woman you may be looking at is certainly very popular. And most important, despite being blonde, she’s beloved by a huge daytime TV female audience.

But if you plan to pick Ellen, better think again. She’s married to a blonde.