Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

The United States of America (1787-2013) came to a swift and sudden
end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had
survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The
savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of
rigorous gun
confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs
unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder
that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.

“The
government shut down! We can do anything we like,” shouted Sam Hasbley
of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an
explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action.
“Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can’t stop you.”

Eyewitnesses
spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a
man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there
were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to
collect rainwater runoff.

With the fall of the government, citizen
activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of
lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India,
but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a
photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the
environment.

The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado,
a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic
calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service
in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New
York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign
language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free
Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native
American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an
educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each
other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of
Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power.
The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in
explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved
Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was
now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join
OPEC.

An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in
Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia
hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting
crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak
of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to
the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and
be fed to the people.

In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically
incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the
feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department
were forwarded to Eric Holder’s private voicemail along with frequent
messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and
requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.

In
Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and
Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of
the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school
closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on
themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple
juice.

In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought
dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and
declared himself to be the nation’s new leader. While some suspect him
to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a
hastily erased message reading “Impeach Nixon” on the side, the city
fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford
and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight
floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.

In the midst of all this chaos, a
weary nation’s eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled
city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place
there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth
Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native
American smoke signals decoded it to read, “I told you so. Now we’re all
doomed.”

The only surviving member of the national government
outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who
showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours
entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the
White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming
in have fallen on deaf ears.

As the nation descends into chaos,
one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us
all. Just like the last 17 times.