BREAKING: Redskins’ owner announces new name for Washington’s football team

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced today he is bowing to pressure from Pres. Obama and Native American activists and is changing his football team’s name to the Washington Corruption. The new symbol of the team will be the White House and the team’s mascot will be a caricature version of Obama.

Fans may show their team spirit by donning Obama masks or painting each half of their faces with the team’s colors so they are symbolically two-faced to honor the team’s spirit. The new team colors are black and white to symbolize both the racial tolerance symbolized by Pres. Obama’s biracial heritage and the dichotomous or black-and-white thinking required for demonizing opponents while idealizing the team and all its allies until the team’s progress requires them to be thrown under the bus.

“Sports teams founded in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries,” Snyder told reporters, “derived their names from their uniforms, like the Boston Red Sox, or from an animal or people widely respected for their fighting spirit and feared by their foes. Based on the number of amateur and professional sports teams named for Native Americans, like the Washington Redskins, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves, the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Blackhawks, no other people has more tributes to its courage and ability to intimidate its opponents than Native Americans.

“However, since vocal groups of Native Americans no longer wish to be associated with those qualities, which inspire so much admiration and respect, I began to consider the idea of keeping the Native American theme, but updating it to the twenty-first century. I asked myself, what are Native Americans most known for today? However, I decided the team’s new name must be more universally frightening than the Washington Usurers, the Washington Casinos, or the Washington Welfares.

“But then Pres. Obama weighed in with his advice and I considered the devastating impact he has had on the U.S. and world economies, from the stimulus bill that allocated money to ZIP codes and Congressional districts that didn’t exist, to billions down the drain for his green energy cronies and Obamacare exemptions by fiat for Congress and thousands of his powerful friends. I realized that White House corruption embodies what people should fear most in the twenty-first century and that no one personifies government corruption more completely than Pres. Obama.

“That is why I the new name I have chosen for the Washington Redskins is the Washington Corruption. Our team symbol will be the White House because no other American institution is more rife with corruption. And because nothing will characterize Obama’s place in U.S. history more than the corruption of his administration, a caricature of Obama is my team’s new mascot.”