Know When to Hold Em’, Know When to Fold Em’

Code Blue!

The Big Brains are calling in the big guns (can I say that?) to address this grave situation. As you know, Obamacare was on life support throughout the government shutdown and now it appears to have officially gone into cardiac arrest. The cause has been diagnosed as an untreated pre-existing condition. The situation never would have reached crisis mode if it had been addressed early on; butt like I said, we didn’t have any insurance thanks to the heartless, racist Republicans who’ve been hoping that we fail right from the get-go. So it’s all their fault.

Anyway, Big Guy will be announcing our new emergency strategy in the Rose Garden today.  Apparently we’re implementing a “tech surge” (translation: panic on the Potomac) in order to save the Obamacare system and WTF (“Win The Future”). Normally we don’t like to do troop surges, butt this is important: Obamacare’s going down.

We’re abandoning the bronze level programmers who’ve been working around the clock for 2 whole weeks now (!) in favor of an elite, platinum squad.

We don’t require a full 100% (it is still government work, after all), butt apparently 60% isn’t good enough for flyover America anymore. So, we skipped over the (good-enough) Silver and Gold level programmers and went for Platinum. Since this has turned into a life and death issue, “We Can’t Wait!” 

The new team will be tasked with making the Obamacare system, well, work, like I said. Because:

After 20 days on the market the Obamacare exchange experience “has not lived up to the expectations of the American people.”

Yikes! If that’s going to be our new standard we’re going to need a whole army of Platinum techies! I guess we’ll just have to keep hammering away at lowering your expectations.

Anyway, taking a clue from private tech companies, we’re going to try something brand new: customer service. That’s right America: we’re listening! And as soon as we fix this mess, we may even respond.

For the record, did I mention that this is the Republican’s fault for blocking our ability to find out what was in the Bill after we passed it, and for sequestering our system testing money prior to its rollout? That’s our official story and we’re sticking with it, although it’s not the whole story.

Behind the scenes, everyone’s blaming Lady M for ticking Oprah off so much with her royal airs that the original Big-O refused to help our Big-O sell Obamacare. Can you imagine? The Chicago tour de force who practically invented Big Guy, the woman who dubbed him “the One,”  the spiritual and philosophical leader of female LoFo voters…just said “no” – to the WON!? Can you even do that?

How petty. And just who does Oprah-Doprah think she is anyway? Nobody tells Big Guy “no” aside from Lady M and Val-Jar.  I told BO he should have given her one of our czar jobs way back when, butt by then the girlfriend feud had reached code red and Lady M wouldn’t hear of it.

Hey, maybe it’s not too late! We can still get her onboard if we offer her the Secretary of Health and Human Services job! I hear there’s going to be an opening.

Aye, matey; I never trusted this one-eyed jack

How cool would that be – getting Oprah onboard I mean? We still wouldn’t have a full royal flush,

butt at least we’d have 3 of a kind and the Ace of Spades:

Oprah, Val-Jar, Lady M and BO: WINNING!

I don’t know though; how do you play that hand, 3 old queens and an ace? Maybe we should just go with 4 of a kind and call it a winner.

4 old queens, fundamentally transforming America since 2009

So break out everyone’s new favorite, expensive, bubbly – Ace of Spades – to celebrate our tech surge. Soon, just like we promised, there will be Obamacare for everybody, enjoyed by nobody and paid for by somebody else. Is Amerika awesome, or what?

And since you’re not paying for it anyway, forget the bronze, silver and gold and just go for the platinum:

Platinum: for when money is no object.

I leave you with a little card trick I’ve learned around here. Tuck it away in case you are ever playing high-stakes poker with your enemy, here it is; always, always protect your Ace of spades. You never know when you may have to play it. Again.

The iPod special edition Ace/Race Card edition: works perfectly now that they worked out the “glitches”