Lunchmeat Is Not What It Used To Be

Today I bit into a long sandwich from Jersey Mike’s. I used to be able to do this without being hosed with meat-juices, like some sort of bound-and-tied bukakke target. I used to be able to jam a bread-log into my mouth without having to ask for 50 napkins. But, these days, we live in an overly processed world in which lunchmeat must be soaked in artificial juices to give it the illusion of freshness. These franken-meats lose their succulent nature by their third conveyor belt ride and so manufacturers overcompensate by adding extra juice to the meat.

This does 2 things:

1.  It creates a stain on my shirt.
2.  It makes me never want to buy your meat products again.

Enough is enough. I’m not going to be putting anymore of this slimy, wet toxic slices of flesh into my dry body. Instead, I’ll be sticking to the dry stuff. Beef jerky. The kind of thing that leaves my shirt collar semiarid.

Signed,

An unwilling participant in your grand experiment.