Awful Jokes And Saucy Postcards

There’s something about awful jokes that will either cause a chuckle or alternatively a groan. Here’s a selection, all typically British – with a few traditional holiday saucy postcards thrown in.
“Crime in multi-story car parks – that’s wrong on so many levels.”

A joke for Rob & Trish of synchrosecrets:
A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar’s Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared.
“In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist, who says he can no longer make ends meet” ~ Ronnie Barker.

“After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse” ~ Spike Milligan

“I met this homeless secret agent. The name’s Bond – Vagabond” ~ Tim Vine

“My mother-in-law has got more chins that a Chinese phone book” ~ Les Dawson

“A man walked into the doctor’s. he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more.’” ~ Tommy Cooper

“Heard the one about Cadbury’s introducing an Oriental chocolate bar to it’s range? Could be a Chinese Whisper” ~ Ron Auton

“The Prime Minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers” ~ Ronnie Barker

“The funny thing about going to a psychiatrist is that you have to lie down to learn how to stand on your own two feet.”

“I think my wife’s tired of me. She keeps wrapping my sandwiches in a road map.”

“WARNING! The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.”

“An old lady went to the doctor and asked for birth control pills. ‘Why do you want them at your age’ asked the doctor. ‘They help me sleep better,’ replied the old lady. ‘How come?’ ‘Well doctor, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.’”

“I went to a wedding last week. The wife’s eldest sister was marrying a fellow who told us he was in the oil business. I found out later he was a sardine packer” ~ Les Dawson

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes” ~ Tim Vine

“Police arrested two teenagers yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off” ~ Tommy Cooper

Velcro? What a rip-off! “Little girl to her friend: ‘I’m never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download.’”

“Sometimes I drink my whisky neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out” ~ Tommy Cooper

“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought: ‘I can’t turn that down’” ~ Tim Vine

“The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies” ~ Ronnie Barker

“Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order” ~ Spike Milligan

“I went into a pet shop. I said: ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said: ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said: ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’” ~ Tommy Cooper

“This Roman emperor said to me: ‘What’s the weather like?’ I said: ‘Hail, Caesar’” ~ Tim Vine

“I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs … but she’s good with the kids” ~ Tommy Cooper

Why did the skeleton fall into a hole? It was a grave mistake!

More Humour:
Humorous Letters
Making Fun And The Mocking Of Adolf Hitler
Ghostly Twilight Cartoon Groans

For more interesting and unusual stories like this go to 67 Not Out – coincidences, synchronicity, UFOs, reincarnation and many other mysteries.