CNN to Issue Warnings for Sensitive Viewers

Diogenes Middle Finger

MFNS – NEW YORK – The Board of CNN Inc. has announced starting Monday a new policy of issuing trigger warnings before showing the face of President Donald Trump to viewing audiences. CNN has estimated that millions of viewers have turned off CNN because of their sheer terror that Trump may appear on their screens and further traumatize them with his blunt language, harsh political realities & brutish diplomatic tact. 

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer made the announcement Saturday:

“We know the mere mention of President’s Trump name or the sight of his face is enough to trigger serious emotional distress or even seizures in a large part of our viewing audience so we believe that this is an appropriate policy for our time. Families with children will really appreciate this warning, as the mere sight of Trump reportedly makes many babies, small infants, and millennials cry uncontrollably. 

Just as we issue warnings before showing bloody, mangled corpses after mass murders or terrorist attacks, so we will issue warnings before showing the face of Donald J. Trump or mentioning his name. We would prefer to avoid the mention of Mr. Trump’s name altogether if possible,  But Trump is President of the United States now, so it’s difficult to completely avoid the subject of Trump no matter how badly we want to not mention the name of Trump ever again. Trump. 

It seems that Trump is a President that many people really love to hate. While many people really love to hate him, they prefer to hate him from their own designated ‘safe space,’ wherever that may be. Many people prefer to sit on their own toilet with their iPhone and hate Trump and curse his name.” 

CNN also promised at least 15 minutes of “Trump-free” programming every hour, from 15 minutes to 30 minutes after each hour. Blitzer concluded his annoncement: 

“We would like people to know that for those 15 minutes, that CNN itself is a safe space from the menace of Donald Trump’s face and the menace of Trump’s unholy name. Even during the rest of the hour we may have some Trump-free programming.”

Even some journalists also want safe spaces and so that they are not triggered by having to cover Trump from the White House press pool. One anonymous Wall Street Journal reporter and frequent White House press pool correspondent confessed to being “horrified at the mere sight of Trump. He triggers me into two minutes of total hate for him at least every day. I am trying to get out of covering Trump. I want to cover less offensive leaders, such as Kim Jong-Un. Or that President Erdogan of Turkey. He seems nice.”

World leaders also praised CNN’s decision. Angela Merkel of Germany praised CNN for “showing sensitivity to world audiences for whom the fact that Trump is so-called leader of the free world is a fact too horrible to contemplate.”