Introducing the New and Improved -- NoPhone!!

As many of you know, I’m not into “smart” phones for a whole host of reasons. Even back in the stone age (high school, late 70s) I hated talking on the phone, and my phone aversion hasn’t gotten much better over the years unless there’s a compelling reason to overcome it (Older Daughter calling from New Jersey, parents calling from California, etc).

So when my brother (also a phone-phobe) sent me a link to a nifty new product, I had to check it out.

Introducing the spiffy new and improved … NO-PHONE ZERO!!

According to the website, the NoPhone ZERO “is the least advanced phone ever created by mankind. A downgrade from the original NoPhone, the NoPhone ZERO features no buttons, no logos and most importantly, no phone. Change the life of someone you care about tomorrow by pre-ordering the NoPhone ZERO today.”

What’s not included:

• Texting Your Ex-Boyfriend or Ex-Girlfriend
• Location Tracking
• Browsing History
• Data Overages
• Dead Batteries
• Phone

Just in case you’re unclear on the concept, they offer this technical diagram:

For those obsessed with self-photography, you can upgrade to the optional NoPhone SELFIE version:

According to the website: “Upgrade your NoPhone to the only feature available for the NoPhone, a small adhesive backed mirror. Enjoy taking a real-time selfie and remembering the time you did. Add a real friend for a real-time group selfie. The options are endless if you keep repeating them in different ways.”

The company also offers a couple’s version of the NoPhone.

Their guarantee:

Your life or the life of someone you care about will change forever when you receive a NoPhone in the mail.

Testimonials include the New York Times (“Always have a rectangle of plastic to clutch!”), Fast Company (“A security blanket phone addicts are taking seriously”), TechCrunch (“Pay attention without having a panic attack”) and TIME (“A simulation of your comfort object, helping you slowly abandon it”).

Ladies and gentlemen, I think these folks have invented the most perfect phone ever … though my brother muses sarcastically, “Not sure how long the battery lasts.”