Chatty refrigerators

As is well known, I have no use for a lot of modern technology, particularly anything involving the “Internet of Things.”

I really don’t want my toilet talking to my garden hose talking to my chest freezer talking to my rocking chair talking to my lamps talking to my credit card talking to my automobile talking to my carpeting talking to my windows talking to my doorbell talking to my vacuum cleaner talking to my oven talking to my mattress talking to my … well, you get the idea.

Which is why the following tweet made me chuckle. Chuckle in relief, that is, that we don’t own this particular model of refrigerator:

Yes, you’re reading that correctly. This guy’s fridge sent a scolding email that his refrigerator had been opened too many times that month.

That’s not all. This man’s Twitter feed includes other communications he’s had with his fridge: the amount of fresh food he’s put inside, how much water he’s drinking, and other jolly reminders that he’s being monitored.

Ever since the Internet of Things arose, I’ve been wary of anything “smart.” I cannot for the life of me fathom why anyone would voluntarily purchase something that monitors everything they do and reports it back to some central location. As the saying goes, “There is no Cloud. There’s just someone else’s computer.”

That’s why this meme always amuses me:

M preferred oven:

Writer Joshua A.T. Fairfield equates the Internet of Things with modern-day feudalism, in which we (the peasants) don’t own anything, but instead must lease it from their overlords: “In this 21st-century version, companies are using intellectual property law – intended to protect ideas – to control physical objects consumers think they own.”

That’s why I’m suspicious of smart technology. I don’t want some Google overlord telling me what I can and cannot do, locking me out of my home, preventing me from turning on lights, and tracking not just my location, but my heartbeat, tone of voice, and digestive output. Since I’m online, I’m tracked enough anyway; I don’t need to spoon-feed Big Tech any more data than it already has.

Look, folks, 2021 is already dystopian enough. Why would anyone make their lives even more so by buying one of these horrible “smart” devices? Do you really want every conversation spied on and every location documented? Do you really want to live in a home that ceases to function if Google is having a bad hair day?

Meanwhile, let me show you my ideal refrigerator:

Yes, really.