Gifts for the man who has everything

The following was written by Don and based on an article I read out loud to him this morning entitled “Find 10 last-minute viral gifts for the man who has everything.”

As usually happens with lists like this, most of the suggested gift ideas are stupid to the point of absurd. But after having a good belly laugh, Don took things a step further. Without further ado, here are Don’s ideas for last-minute gift ideas for the man who has everything.

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Gifts for the Real Man (who Has Everything)

This morning, Patrice showed me the Ultimate List of lastminute gifts for the man who has everything.

Since I am a man (and have the chromosomes to prove it), and since I really do have everything, I was very interested in this list. Here’s what was recommended in the original article:

• Aura Carver WiFi Digital Picture Frame $149.00

• Lille Home Stackable Stainless Steel Thermal Compartment Lunch $39.99

• Ekster Senate Cardholder Wallet $79.00

• Luxorro Full Grain Leather Briefcase for Men $199.97

• Bowflex SelectTech 552 Adjustable Dumbbells $549.00

• Shiatsu Neck and Back Massager with Soothing Heat $69.99

• Long Range Wireless Smart Meat Thermometer with Bluetooth Booster $99.95

• Heated Stadium Seats for Bleachers with Back Support $149.99

• Solo Stove Bonfire 2.0 with Stand $336.59

• Stanley Perfect Brew Pour Over Set with Camp Mug $45.00

To say I was disappointed in these recommendations would be an understatement. (I did kinda like the dial-up weight set, but not to the tune of $549.) So I decided to do my bit to help out those folks who need to get a gift for a Real Man (meaning, those who don’t dry clean their flannel shirts).

In no particular order, here are items I would like to find under the Christmas tree:

• Salami – because … salami.

• Pair of new socks. There is no more exquisite feeling (well, maybe one or two) than putting on a new pair of socks.

• Pad of grid paper. It’s really tough to draw construction stream-of-consciousness design ideas on printer paper. And since I’m drawing up something practically every day, having a ream or two of grid paper around would help keep my desk calendar clean.

• Pound of 3-inch screws. It doesn’t matter what kind of screws, and for most purposes 3-inch screws will do. They can hold two 2x4s together; and if they’re too long, you can always break the protruding end off with a hammer, pliers, or even a handy rock.

• A box of ammo. (Well, obviously. Can’t imagine why it didn’t make the original list.)

• A belt. Considering how my waistline ebbs and flows according on the holiday season, belts of different lengths are always appreciated. If your man already has a lot of belts, you might consider one of those revolver leather punches instead. Belts are also useful as emergency ratchet straps.

• Ratchet straps. I have tons of these, but you can never have too many ratchet straps, because you can never find them when you need them.

• Tape measure. (See ratchet trap justification above, but insert “tape measure” for “ratchet strap.”)

• Bacon – because … bacon.

• Bulk package of cheap reading glasses in appropriate magnification. (See ratchet straps.)

This list can get you through any gift-giving situation for the man who has everything. You will note that all of these items are … use-up-able? unlasting? ephemeral? (Can’t figure out if there’s actually a word for this particular state of being, but you get the point.) This means you can give the same gift to your appreciative man again and again.

Now, let’s examine the meaning of “Man who has everything.”

Here’s what I have: I have my health. We have a sufficient income for our needs. We have no mortgage. We have great kids. I have a superlative wife, the better half that makes me whole. And most importantly, I have the love of God (from Him to me and back again).

I really have no need of anything else, as I already have everything. (Although some bacon would be nice right now.)

May you all have everything you need this Christmas. It begins with “Away in a Manger” and it’s both free and eternal. It never gets used up.

Merry Christmas.