Right Here With You: Andrea Miller on Practicing mindfulness of difficult interactions

By Andrea Miller, Shambhala Sun Deputy Editor

Though I wrote about my relationship — and its five-year anniversary — in our current issue’s editorial, I wouldn’t dare to say that I am a “relationship expert.” But I have recently enjoyed an immersion into Buddhist wisdom as it relates to love for ourselves, for others, and for all beings: that’s the theme of the current issue of the Shambhala Sun and also of the new book I’ve edited, Right Here With You: Bringing Mindfulness Awareness into Our Relationships. So in light of the good fortune I’ve had in being exposed to the work of many people who are indeed relationship experts, I am now fielding relationship questions. If there is something you would like to ask, please let me know via the Shambhala Sun’s Facebook page or by writing to magazineshambhalasun.com. Our first question comes from “Alina S.”

How can I keep up my mindfulness practice amidst mindless co-workers who can sometimes be pretty aggressive, without being pulled into anger/hopelessness/hurt feelings?

Thich Nhat Hanh says that mindfulness is always mindfulness of something. Mindful eating is mindfulness of chewing, tasting, and swallowing, while mindful walking is mindfulness of each step. Our environment and situation do not need to be perfect in order for us to cultivate mindfulness, as it is not limited to pleasant or neutral experiences. We can be mindful of our anger, hopelessness, or hurt. In that light, consider allowing your difficult interactions with your co-workers to be your mindfulness practice.

When practicing mindfulness of difficult interactions, be present to your feelings. That is, instead of rejecting your feelings of hurt and anger and frustration, be gentle with them, embrace them. In Right Here With You, Tara Brach writes, “No matter what appears—burning rage, gnawing anxiety, cruel thoughts, or utter despondency—by offering forgiveness directly to each, we give permission to our inner life to be as it is. Rather than forgiving a “self,” we forgive the experiences we are identified with.”

Resisting our feelings hardens our hearts and contracts our bodies and minds, keeping us stuck. In contrast, accepting and forgiving our feelings creates warmth and softness, and this allows our feelings to unfold and transform. Sometimes, when we are able to relate more kindly to our own feelings, people can sense it, and this encourages them to soften their feelings and reactions as well. It is important, however, not to focus on using our mindfulness practice as a tool to change others. Ultimately, we do not have the power to determine if other people change. We only have that power over ourselves.

Practicing mindfulness of difficult interactions may begin with cultivating compassion for our own feelings, but often the practice grows from there and we find more compassion for others. If your co-workers are being aggressive, they are suffering. There is some pain in them, which is causing them to lash out. Understanding that can take some of the sting out of what they do.

But cultivating mindfulness of difficult interactions does not mean that you allow yourself to be mistreated or abused. Instead, after you have sat calmly with your anger and hurt, you can talk to the person who has been aggressive with you. You can explain your position without blame and then maybe the other person will explain their side and the two of you can find understanding.

Preview Right Here with You: Read two essays from the book, by contributors who also appear in our current magazine, here:

• Norman Fischer: “Falling In Love”
• Susan Piver: “My Vows”

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