NWvM: Tasing, Pot and Honesty

Welcome to another installment of News of the World via Minnesota. If you’re new here, I’ve learned from my travels throughout the U.S. that there are Minnesotans everywhere. You can wander through any city across America and I guarantee you will bump into a Minnesota transplant within the day. It’s true. I checked with the U.S. Census Bureau. Recently, however, I’ve learned that the reach of this great state goes far beyond a simple infiltration of every U.S. city. In fact, it has become apparent that the North Star State touches all news, national and international. So I scour the wire a few times every month to bring you NWvM. Without much more of an additional further ado…

Fan Uses Illegal Taser at Jets Game

A 59-year-old Cowboys fan used a taser on Jets fans that were provoking him last Sunday night. That is not cool. If a Vikings fan tased (obviously) overweight Packers fans on October 23, I would shake my head in disgust. I would then go to my bedroom for 5 minutes of uninterrupted giggling.

Chinese Public Upset over General’s Son

The teenage son of the People’s Liberation Army general has enraged the public after crashing his BMW into another car. He then attacked the couple in the other car when they called police. Randy Moss said from retirement, “That’s smart. Hitting them before they’re outside their car. Why didn’t I think of that?”

Smoking Marijuana and Being Obese Are Unrelated

A study from French researchers shows that people who smoke pot regularly are less obese than people who do not. In all fairness, it’s likely due to a loss of motivation to make the food then having any relationship to a chemical benefit from the reefer. In related news, former Wolves player Eddy Curry is disappointed to learn that his favorite defense It’s-Not-My-Face-That’s-Fat-It’s-The-Marijuana is no longer a viable option.

Governor Perry Vows to be Honest with Voters

Republican presidential candidate and Texas Gov. Rick Perry has vowed to be honest with American voters about social security. Really? Have we reached this point? A presidential candidate vowing honesty is news? It shouldn’t surprise me, but is that all it takes these days? It used to be a memorable accusation like “flip-flopper” did the trick. Then a catchy slogan like “Yes We Are Able To!” (or something like that). Now all it takes is, “Ehhhhhh! Merica. I’m gonna tell the truuf ta ya!”???

In related news, Chuck Fletcher is excited to learn of a new strategy for remaining GM of the Wild that doesn’t involve winning.

Astronomers Discover New Super-Earth

Scientists have discovered a new planet 36 light-years away and have given it the catchy title of HD85512b. The newly discovered planet is at the edge of the “habitable zone” from its star and scientists believe it may contain earth-like functionality. An astronomer in Chile said, “It’s very exciting that we found this new Super-Earth. Either that or a piece of dust. It is 212 trillion miles away, so it’s hard to tell.” Time to round up Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny to take on Super-Earth’s Nerdlucks in an epic battle of on-court skill and intellect to save the world.

Gabrielle Giffords Interview with Diane Sawyer Not a Done Deal

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords has not decided for certain that she will sit down with Diane Sawyer for an interview to speak about the horrific shooting in Arizona last January and her recovery from the gunshot wound to the head. ABC has come out with a public statement: “The congresswoman’s exact participation can only be known as we move forward.” (No really, they said that.) This came as a relief to Doc, who feared his DeLorean time machine had been discovered. In related news, that loud slapping sound you hear is all Minnesota Sports teams collectively slapping themselves in the forehead. “Moving forward! Of course!”

Pawlenty Endorses Mitt Romney for President

Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has publicly endorsed Mitt Romney for President. Similarly, Joe Mauer has come out and publicly endorsed the Philadelphia Phillies for World Series Champions. Kill ‘em with kindness boys!

Rumsfeld Cancels NYT Subscription of Krugman 9/11 Remarks

Donald Rumsfeld canceled his subscription to New York Times over comments Paul Krugman made in his recent 9/11 piece. Wait, newspapers still exist?

Rumsfeld Cancels NYT Subscription of Krugman 9/11 Remarks

Donald Rumsfeld canceled his subscription to New York Times over comments Paul Krugman made in his recent 9/11 piece. This marks the 9,041st time that Rumsfeld has canceled his NYT subscription, to wit a NYT spokesman retorted, “He’ll be back. He always comes back.”

Rumsfeld Cancels NYT Subscription of Krugman 9/11 Remarks

Donald Rumsfeld canceled his subscription to New York Times over comments Paul Krugman made in his recent 9/11 piece. Specifically, Krugman said that the memory of 9/11 was “irrevocably poisoned; it has become an occasion for shame. And in its heart, the nation knows it.” What didn’t make headlines, however, was that Rumsfeld’s revulsion with the NYT went beyond Krugman’s piece.  Rumsfeld was also very disturbed that Bill gave P.J. a sip of soda in a recent Family Circus comic. “It wasn’t even sugar free!” Rumsfeld disgustedly remarked in perfect curmudgeon form while spitting on the press. “He’s just a baby!”

In related news, Jim Pohlad was caught reminiscing about a time in the 90’s when his father threatened to sell the Twins over an error at third base. “He was not happy about that error,” said Jim shaking his head. “It came just one day after he caught Scott Erickson playing on his astro-lawn!”

Red Lingerie to Lure Hungarians Online for Census

Hungary has created a provocative video hoping to compel citizens to participate in their upcoming census. The goal is to encourage more younger residents to fill out the census questionnaire. In related news, the Timberwolves are in talks with Hungarian officials on borrowing the lady in red for new season ticket sales promotion.

Health Insurer Signs IBM’s Watson

Wellpoint Inc has agreed with IBM to use Watson, the Jeopardy winning wiz-computer, for data-crunching and treatment suggestions. This is the second machine signed to a new contract this week, as Adrian Peterson inked a 7-year $100M deal last Saturday.

Dan Buri is an attorney for a global consulting firm and is Editor in Chief of TC Huddle. In addition to also writing for TC Huddle, he writes  for various legal blogs and muses about the adventures of marriage with his wife at Buris On The Couch.

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