Stop Acting Like Everything Is Fine If It Isn’t!

How many times a day do we engage in this simple exchange:

“Hey, hi, how are you?”
“I’m fine; how are you?”
“Oh, I’m fine.”

And off we go about our business, sometimes silently asking, “Why did I say that?! It’s not even
true!”

Sure, it’s polite, it’s common, and it’s expected. But how often is it actually true? I’m guessing
it’s only true part of the time. What if we started responding with the truth?

“I’m really suffering today.”
“I’m in total ecstasy!”
“I’m physically okay, but emotionally, I’m kinda’ sad.”

What happens when you don’t speak the truth? In this case, it’s not a matter of “act as if,” where
if you just say it often enough, or do it often enough, it becomes true. The lack of truth-telling is
a way of saying:

“I don’t matter.”
“I don’t exist.”
“Who I am and how I am won’t be responded to anyway, so why bother?”
“I don’t believe anyone cares.”

So we continue to suppress or avoid the truth, and respond with “fine.” Hiding is a way of disconnecting from the other human beings who form our emotional and physical support systems. Hiding then becomes a way of life, and we become more and more disconnected, and, quite possibly, more depressed. If instead of responding with “fine,” you told the truth, you might be surprised at the positive reaction, or the intensity of the response, to what you say. Don’t you want to hear more about it if someone says, “I’m doing really well; how are you?!”or “there’s a lot going on that’s bumming me out,” or “my body hurts and I don’t know how to make it feel better.”

Who knows what you might get if you stepped out of the “fine” lie and told the truth? You might get empathy, sympathy, compassion, commiseration, congratulations, or an offer to do something to help you shift. You might get connection and a deepening of your relationship. You might discover that you’re not alone. You might discover that it’s just as easy to tell the truth as slip into the “fine” oblivion.

You might experience a sense of joy and delight at being real, authentic, present, and concrete about what this moment holds for you, even if it’s something less than pleasant. All of that is good for your mental health. Your brain and your body know when you’re lying, whether it’s out loud or internally. The inconsistency is grating. Beginning to practice congruence in your thoughts, words, and actions begins to bring about harmony in your internal as well as your external life. Sounds kinda’ like stress reduction, doesn’t it?

Gretchen Kubacky, Psy.D. is a Health Psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles, California. She has completed the inCYST training. She specializes in counseling women and couples who are coping with infertility, PCOS, and related endocrine disorders and chronic illnesses.

If you would like to learn more about Dr. Kubacky or her practice, or obtain referrals in the Los Angeles area, please visit her website at www.drkubacky.com, or e-mail her at [email protected]. You can also follow her on Twitter @askdrgretchen.

For more information about PCOS and other hormone disorders, visit
www.incyst.com .