Respecting Guts & Heart, Not Just the Head

I was reading J.M.Greer’s post this week. It made me think about how we’re taught that some parts of us are “better” or “worse” than others. I’ve always heard I shouldn’t get angry, or too sad or joyful for that matter. I’m supposed to be serenely loving (but from a sort of haughty distance, ideally) and/or logical and rational. Both ideals are all about never getting “carried away.”

I suck at that.

HA! You may have noticed! I rant and rave. I’m at times overly animated. I bask in my emotions. I swell with pride and burn with anger. The yoga/meditative/holier-than-thou stance is just not me and never will be. I’ll always be very connected to my emotions.

I believe it’s partially just innate, but the rest may come from the examples of my parents– or rather, the anti-examples.

My mother liked to numb out, disconnect from her passion utterly and serenely float (with the help of a xanax/wine mixer) over the fray. She looked down upon all who gave in to such primitive savageness, and thought herself supremely superior. She became a western Buddhist, even!

While at times I admired her ability to not fall apart as easily as myself, I also noticed the massive downside: if you don’t care enough to be passionate, you fail to care for your world and those in it. Neglect and monstrous indifference to even criminal behavior in her own home was the result of her supposedly “higher” stance. And I hated her for this. Nothing moved her to move– and I saw the evil in her lack of concern. I see it in everyone I’ve ever met who pretended (and it IS faked) perfect indifference.

Meanwhile, my father was the opposite: a mess of passionate emotions, always waxing and waning and moving in great waves. I think today he’d be diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. He was super charming and used his animated behavior to his benefit unless he drank too much and lost the respect of others. He gave in to his anger and ambition too easily and it ruined his entire life.

Again, there was that massive downside. To this day, I can’t respect people who are TOO facile emotionally and never try to balance things out with a little consideration and introspection. I can’t. And why should I? Once a person’s passions run away and ruin the lives of everyone around them, they’ve gone too damned far.

Therefore, from childhood I’ve attempted the balance between the extremes. I don’t see black and white– I see the spectrum, and I prefer a nice, healthy green as opposed to raging red or languishing lavender, you know? When anyone declares that they must be allowed to vomit emotions all over everyone around them all the time as a right, I protest. The same can be said when anyone says that we’re supposed to divorce ourselves from our emotions. Um, NO. We need them. They keep us alive and engaged.

A long time ago, I realized that most adults get tired and burnt out and soon just slog through the motions of life to get by. I always wanted more than that. I see now, at 49, that I’m far more “youthful” in my demeanor than many my age. For the better and worse both, I’m sure! But I’m HERE and I’m watching and listening. I’m curious and wondering. My emotions keep that mechanism working. My more intellectual side keeps working out better and better answers for things and double-checks my intuitions and gut feelings.

I have a lot of challenges and issues, but this one thing, THIS tactic to living, is one of my areas of genuine achievement. I’ve figured out this part of where to place my bets in life, and it has served me well.