Avoidance Mode

Sometimes I wish I could just cherish a triumph and relax for a while, you know? Instead, it seems like once one thing gets fixed, another issue pops up. No rest for the wistful!

I am still greatly relieved that things went so well with Tess. Yesterday, we had the much dreaded monthly roomie meeting and Tess negotiated for a move-out date of March 30th and Cat agreed without a quibble. Then, though Tess had a moment of frustration going over details, she was frustrated with herself, and she actually initiated hugs with both Cat and myself. I appreciated the effort, since it’s not like her to push herself like that. And she’s been pretty open and friendly since, so… she’s not holding a grudge or anything.

Whew~!

But all the same, the last few days I’ve felt… out of sorts. I have an urge to FLEE. Either mentally into distractions, or physically to another location. I’m not sure what the hell it is I’m fleeing from–or what it is I think I want to escape from. Not consequences, surely!

It’s more like I feel I’m in the wrong place and/or time. Like I’m living the wrong life… so… derealization again. That’s the biggest trigger for my panic attacks (though there are other triggers.) Why now? Earlier this month, I realized I was feeling spiritually exhausted, but under that was a loneliness and fear.

I think… I think I’m feeling disconnected from my past. I had the same man with me nearly every day of my life for 25 years. Then he was gone. I’ve moved again and again and again, and I’ve always adapted to that because I grew up with it and in adulthood found I have a sort of slow-motion wanderlust. A fresh home is a fresh start, and I liked starting fresh. It’s only been in the last 5 years that I’ve begun to feel displaced and discomfited by all the moving I typically do. Now, I seem to be afraid of moving again (and hopefully that’s not a worry for a very long while if ever!) to the point that I WANT to run away from feeling displaced by… WHAT?!?! This set of emotions doesn’t make any damned sense!

So I find myself in a mode of moving away from things. Avoiding things. Trying to find new things. It feels like my world is falling apart in the background, when really, things are fine. I’m so annoyed with my own bullshit right now! Jesus, brain! Get it together, already!