Spending Time w/ Caroline, Tess's Mom & Mental Illness Labels

Caroline is a pastor’s wife, though her husband is now retired, and the mother of 5 kids, 4 boys and 1 girl. Tess is the middle child as well as the only girl. She’s also the grandmother of 4 so far. She’s very involved in her church community and the lives of most of her kids. Tess is the sole one who keeps choosing to move to other states to get away from her family, so they aren’t close, but they’re starting to get a better relationship. The main issue keeping them apart?

Caroline, being Christian, is judgmental of her daughter’s behavior when in a manic state: she only suspects the sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, but she still doesn’t know that Tess is queer (bi-sexual, pansexual) and more pagan-oriented. Tess is in her mid-30s, though, so what Caroline thinks isn’t that pertinent. If she wants to keep part of her life private, so be it.

(The one nice thing about all my occult and pagan books and paraphenalia being upstairs in the Witches’ Attic is that overly conservative types aren’t exposed to it, and I don’t even have to do a ‘home sweep’ first to make sure I don’t freak a friend’s parents out.)

We got along fine. She cooked and cleaned our kitchen. Cat was a little upset that she cleaned the kitchen so well– but then, she’s used to a big family and I just enjoyed a homecooked meal and clean-up by someone other than myself for once! We also took her out to eat at a local restaurant and enjoyed some time hanging out talking in our Salon (Recreation room).

There was only one bone of contention that really bugged me: She brought up Tess “calling herself ‘Bipolar’.” Caroline complained, after Tess went outside to smoke (since vaping is hard to do now here) that “she’s giving herself a label, and I don’t like that.” I asked why it bugged her, though I had an inkling. She said, “It feeds that victim mentality.“ I had to think, because what she said pissed me off!

So, trying to keep the conversation going without arguing quite yet, I asked her what “the victim mentality” meant to her. She said what I thought, that people use such labels as an excuse to not do their fair share in life.

I had to think. How to say I disagreed in a way that was respectful? I explained I could understand that, but I felt the same way only when people used a label as an ending. I spoke about my own issues as an example. “On the other hand,“ I went on, “if a person uses that label as a beginning, I think it’s very useful. If a label helps you find medication, therapy, and other ways to manage and maintain a functional life, I think they’re absolutely necessary.” I then asked her if she had an adult child with diabetes, that came with necessary changes in how one eats, medications they take and so on, to prevent further issues down the road like atrophy of feet and going blind and such. “Would you say that such a person was using the label like a victim?”

She conceded my point there.

And I said it applied to mental illness as much as physical illness. A mental health label should be a start to a person taking responsibility for their lives and improving functionality. Which was why I was so proud of Tess being on bipolar medication for a year now! A whole year! It was such a triumph to keep at it despite the entire process being the exact opposite of fun. As a result, Tess wasn’t having the manias that drove her to do crazy things that could get her hurt, and her depression periods were only 3 or 4 weeks long and only during medication adjustments, rather than being 3 to 6 months long! That was amazing, and Caroline should be proud of her, too. “She took responsible steps moving in here, and I didn’t even have to push her– she just took it on, because she was tired of her own behavior embarrassing her, on top of the sheer misery of manic-imposed insomnia that lasted for days or being so down she couldn’t get out of bed. That’s progress, not a victim mentality.”

Tess came in from her smoke break just then and we ended that discussion point, but I told Tess about all of it later. I had to stand up for my friend. She deserves support! It’s terrible when ignorant people think that mental illness is a weakness of character or will. It’s not! And being able to say so and point out another way to look at it seemed to make her mother pause to consider another angle to it. Don’t know if I changed her mind, but maybe I opened it a little.