Pride Vs. Regret

It has been said that a good mental exercise to decide how best to approach some situations would be to imagine if you only had a few days left to live or something. Would you do ______ differently if it were one of the last things you ever did?

I suppose the idea behind that would be that we make bad decisions based upon our pride and need to feel righteously justified. Take the shallow shit out of the equation and we may see things more clearly– both more objectively and with more heart.

I guess I’m not one of those people, though, because I can barely recall a time I would do anything differently. In fact, what this exercise tends to do is give me the freedom to realize how much I actually hold back to keep the peace (or back out of confrontations due to cowardice…) I think if I found out I was soon to leave this world, I would thank deeply all those people who hold my hand and keep me sane. However, I would also take the opportunity to tell several people off who helped to make my life more miserable, including my mother and aunt Dora.

One thing I’ve learned is that my penchant for adamant opinions has scared some away from me and soured others to my brand of truth-telling. I don’t give two flying figs about how people live their lives, though– unless they hurt me or allow me to be hurt through neglect or to keep power or social status. Otherwise-? *shrug* Live and let live. I don’t rule the world and I don’t want to.

I’ve been told my whole life that I’m too judgmental and not entitled to these judgments because they’re “mean.” Well, too bad! Harmful bullshit will not be silently tolerated by me if I have any choice. Sometimes I don’t, but I am one of those people who would rather be right, even if it makes me unpopular. I even took a test for that. I’m NOT the person who would agree with the crowd that wildly different lengths of line segment are the same in order to feel more secure.

Which doesn’t make sense, really. I have next to no security and anxiety rules my life (though less as I get older and heal my issues) and yet I still take the road less traveled and why should that be? Apparently, goes the thinking, I have a massive conscience and an equally strong sense of self. This means that as much as it may hurt, it’s more difficult for me to live with myself if I don’t speak up in the face of injustice or to make things potentially better. I don’t feel as if I have a choice about it, though. I think if I did I would take the easy way out like most people. I think it would be easier to be a minion instead of an empath. It hurts a great deal to be an empath much of the time.

As for pride… it’s been ground to dust repeatedly, and I’ve had to just get back up and start all over again too many times to count. I’ve been beaten more than I’ve won, if you catch my drift. But for some reason, that just doesn’t stop me from being who and what I am. My choices are quite clearly not about pursuing reward nor avoiding risk, but about something deeper inside that urges me towards the least harmful or most healing option for everyone (at least eventually– some choices suck to start with, but end in a better place).

Listen, I’m not saying fear hasn’t held me back. As a rule, people who can’t work to support themselves end up making compromises that no one else would even consider. I’m not untouchable. The shit I put up with while married to Gerick is evidence enough of that!

One thing’s for sure, though– I have few regrets and I’ve learned to live with very little pride, so there’s not a lot of room to manipulate me. I may not have a lot going for me, but that little bit gives me an edge. An edge that scares some, attracts others, and keeps me pushing back against a world that should have buried me years and years and years ago.