Break-Up Emails w/ Robin, Pt 3

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Okay, I understand a little better where you’re coming from. Thank you for telling me how I upset you.

I actually called Reece last night (Monday night) on the phone and told her you were my best friend and to back off. (She knew the name “Robin” but not what’s under the Facebook name.) Maybe I should have just deleted the post altogether. I didn’t realize it would seem like I was throwing you under the bus. I get why you would feel that way, and I am truly sorry. I wanted to avoid a fight, and instead I started one. I should have spoken to you on the phone first or something. I wanted to not fight over politics or what’s more right or more wrong in the world. I know it’s screwy. I think everything’s going crazy and I’m done too. I got plenty mad at Reece– I just didn’t want to get mad at ANYONE publicly. (If anyone else jumped in after that, I didn’t see, because I got so upset at how angry you were that I just backed out like a coward.)

The Justice Center is on the east side of Portland, the Court House is on the west. I heard that most of the worst of the damage was done around the Justice Center, so I asked you around what area you were in because I don’t know Portland THAT well, and if most of those pics you took were on the west side, I was going to agree with you that it was pretty bad looking and that I was better able to understand your disgust.

I often feel lost on how to adequately explain why I feel differently about some things than you do. I don’t want to go on some long explanation and end up sounding like I’m being condescending or something. But if you don’t hear the full explanation, then you will probably always judge me for being “on the wrong side” when I disagree with you. So I feel stuck. I feel like whether I speak up for my beliefs or not, I’m screwed either way. And I don’t want to keep feeling cornered like that. I want to remain respectful, but I’m not sure how to not end up offending everyone. The only solution I could find was to just nix all political discussion all together– at least for a while. Since I talk to you on the phone for hours on end, but we rarely do much on Facebook, whereas I barely speak to Reece on the phone, but she’s constantly going back and forth on Facebook memes with me, maybe that would be a way to go. I’m pretty sure I fucked that up, but it’s not because I don’t care or because I’m a bad person.

Hearing that you’ve been thinking about ending our friendship “for a while now” hurts, but I wondered. You haven’t been reaching out to me as much for months. And you’re challenging me on political issues much more even though I’ve really tried to avoid getting into those topics with you. Months ago you accused me of being the one who obviously needed a break from you when it was pretty clear you were projecting– you actually wanted one from me. I’ve been feeling nervous that you’d tired of me, so I backed off from calling you too much. Maybe you missed me and thought I was pulling back because I was tired of you, I don’t know. But I really wasn’t. I actually missed talking to you more often.

I’ve always considered you my closest and best friend, and my deepest connection in the world is with you. I will really miss you. I don’t want to say good-bye, you’re the only part of my childhood left that was ever good. But I don’t want a friendship where you pretend to like me out of obligation or something. I enjoy your company and your conversation– I don’t want you in my life to cook or clean for me, or drive me places, or give me money. I don’t even care that we disagree so much on several topics. I know we’re both good people who believe in right over wrong, even if which rights or wrongs are more important is sometimes in dispute. We are very different people, true… but that was part of what I cherished.

I am sorry I didn’t stand up for you. I should have done better that that. I intended no hurt, but I can be socially clumsy when I get scared. You rarely show your anger with me to me, and I guess I don’t know how to handle it. The thought of losing you as a friend made me freak out and I let you down as a result. I understand feeling “DONE.” I feel that way about a lot these days myself. I wish you weren’t feeling that way about me, but I get that dealing with my shit on top of everyone else’s is just… too much. I hate it– really hate that you feel that way about me, but… you’re allowed to feel your feelings. I’m sorry I hurt you. I really, REALLY am.