Mildly Depressed? Yeah... I Think I Am...

I suppose knowing that there’s a problem somewhere is getting to me more than I want to admit…

I’m so tired. I don’t feel like dealing with this. I’m running away from my own head. I’m doing light and fluffy fiction viewing and reading rather than deal with reality. I’m embarrassed to say how fluffy. Like… omg insipid crap fluff.

It’s weird to not share my feeling via writing like I used to. Somehow I keep getting trapped in this sense that I have nothing further to say. That’s bull of course. I’m just in turtle-in-shell mode right now.

Sleep did get back to me right away in a short email saying that he appreciated my following up, and that he’s not simmering in resentment or anything like that, he just wants me to consider a smoother way to communicate. That’s not so bad, I don’t think. He said he’d write a further email giving me those examples I asked for, and actually writing me about it would be easier than trying to explain verbally. (Sleep is a writer, too. Does some cool mystery/thriller fiction on the side.)

And so it’s nothing that awful. But I ducked back down into my hidey hole anyways.

I think I am mildly depressed. I got the blues. I’m still enjoying distractions, so I’m not down to gray level yet.

Oh… here’s my scale in a nutshell:

BLUE– Lower energy, wistful, avoiding intense emotions and too much reality, stuck in daydreams and distractions, moping around, easily overwhelmed.

GRAY– Can no longer enjoy anything, entire world fades into the background, hard to care about anything, everything is blah and bland.

BLACK– Deep dark sadness, self-loathing & self-disgust, desire to escape life itself rather than feel this bad, can’t get out of bed, all thoughts are negative, but too lacking in energy to follow through on suicidal ideation.

WHITE– Self-hatred and sadness turns to serious break with reality itself, energy back and it’s dangerous, every object scrutinized for how to use it to harm self, self-murder plans in place and maybe begin to follow through.

I go from gray depression to black and then to white rather quickly, normally over about 3 months or so once I start to slide. I’m no where near that level yet, though. Just blue. I still listen to music and enjoy it, and the same with movies, games, books, conversations with friends, etc. It’s just I can’t seem to move forward, and I am starting to not like myself due to my inertia.