Self-Healing Series: The 6 Types of Narci Parents (#3)

I never pegged my mother as a “narcissist.” She’s too quiet to fit the idea of a grandiose, bragging, thick-skinned asshole. My father–? Fuck yeah, he fit the bill pretty well– but “Mumsie”?

But– yeah. So I’m coming to terms with labels here and figuring out mainly how to validate my own perspective regarding my mother and her bullshit.

Continuing along, the next video by Dr. Ramani I’m sharing and commenting upon. All Enneagram Types are highly UNhealty versions when they manifest narcissism.
www.youtube.com/watch

THE 5 TYPES OF NARCISSISTIC PARENT

Narcissism is characterized in all types by the traits of: Entitlement, lack of Working Empathy, Unrealistic and unproven high opinions of themselves, the Inability to manage frustration and disappointment, Validation seeking, and an abnormally high Egocentricity.

1. Grandiose Narcissist: (Enneagram Type 3.) Obvious arrogance and blatant attention-seeking. They care a lot more about how things appear, and in public they’ll do their best to seem ideal in every way. However, in private they don’t care about the everyday work of parenting. They’ll push the kids to succeed, and see them as an extension of themselves, but have a short fuse and freak out about petty frustrations. It’s all about them all of the time. *ACoNs of the Grandiose narci parent fall into the trap of greasing the squeaky wheel people around them and neglect themselves.

2. Malignant Narcissist: (Enneagram Types 6 or 8.) More menacing and exploitative than the Grandiose type, as well as more manipulative and prone to lying. They can even be more paranoid or sadistic. They are concerned with power, control, and dominance and make their children quite anxious. *ACoNs of the Malignant narci show symptoms of PTSD and either avoid relationships or fall into bad relationships.

3. Covert Narcissist: (Enneagram Type 2 or 6.) Vulnerable and appearing victimized, nothing goes their way (they say) and/or people are just out to get them, nothing is ever their fault, and they deserve so much more. They have a sullen presentation and illicit feelings of confusion and guilt from their children who are treated like caregivers by this type of narci parent. *ACoN’s of Covert narcis vacillate between feeling guilty and angry at how they were used to “rescue” their parents who should have looked out for the child instead.

4. Communal Narcissist: (Enneagram Type 2.) The vainglorious do-gooders who derive their ego-validation through charities and have a “savior” complex using social media and reputation. Behind closed doors, however, their behavior is less laudable. Once again, they like to look good more than to do good, and it’s all for show. *ACoN’s of Communal types weary of hearing how wonderful their checked-out parent is, and never being close to a priority to their narci parent except when it’s time to show off for the cameras.

5. Neglectful Narcissist: (Enneagram Type 9.) Almost don’t engage with people at all, have no friends or very few friends, and view others are either convenient or inconvenient. Children are a great bother to them, requiring far too much work, and as a result these parents are VERY disengaged, disinterested, and emotionally remote. Children naturally want attention, so when they don’t get it, they learn to feel unworthy. These cold, distant, detached parents may engage temporarily with a child if they share an interest, but in general children of such parents are always left hanging, waiting endlessly to be noticed. *ACoNs of the Neglectful type come to believe they have to jump through hoops to get others to pay attention or care for them, and tend to neglect their own self-care as adults.

6. Self-Righteous Narcissist: (Enneagram Type 1.) Basically, the OCD overly-controlling “addicted to perfection” types who don’t have the flexibility and sense of humor needed for good parenting. They’re too serious, too demanding, judgmental, authoritarian, and see reality in black and white terms. They may seem loyal, are known to follow the rules, and can be the pillars of their religious community. They criticize everyone else all the time, however, and are so rigid, strict, and punitive that their child learns to see everything as conditional. Life with Self-Righteous types is like living in the military without leave. They are also often cheap and selfish with money. *ACoNs of this type come to believe that the system matters more than the people, that bowing to the appearance of morality is more important than love, and that joy doesn’t matter. They are the most self-judgmental. It can also mean extreme rebellion during and even after youth, which can lead to risky behavior and addictions.

My father was the Malignant Narcissist, and my mother the Neglectful type (which– DAMN! that description on #5 describes my mother perfectly. My ex, by contrast, was the Covert type.

…. I just realized why Cat can trigger me so badly sometimes. She’s not narcissistic, but autism manifests many of the same traits from a different angle. They don’t hurt people on purpose, they’re genuinely oblivious in most cases, but the cluelessness and egocentricity plays out so similarly that I think when I’ve freaked myself out with my (luckily rare) hostility towards her, it’s coming from the reminder from my past. This isn’t to say that she doesn’t genuinely screw up sometimes with me, something I’ve written about quite a bit as I parse things out for myself, but my lack of patience with her makes more sense when I realize some of the overlap in the appearance of the behaviors between autistics and narcissists.