Self-Healing Series: What To Do About Narcissistic Parents (#1)

I’ve been thinking and thinking about some things lately, and it may take a while before I finish posting and editing these thoughts, so a delay is likely and I apologize ahead of time. I hope the content produced will make up for the bad timing!

In therapy, which I can only do piecemeal due to costs, I’m going over some areas where I find I get STUCK.

It sucks to be stuck on developmental things when one is in one’s FIFTIES!

I’ve been going over shit in my mind and realizing that there is lots to discuss here, so I’m going to discuss it…

I was married to an “Hysterical Vulnerable Narcissist.” You all know that and I’ve already gone over much of what I learned on that years ago. But I was also raised by parents who were messed up in this department as well. It’s why I ever entered into a relationship with someone like Gerick to begin with– no one else would put up with his behavior. And I didn’t like it, but it was semi-”normal” to me.

Please watch this YouTube video to follow along with the following as a therapist who specializes in Narcissism explains:
www.youtube.com/watch

Points to consider further later, borrowed from Dr. Ramani:

1. I was ROBBED.

Plenty of people have ups and downs in their childhood. No parent is perfect after all. But a narcissistic parent is a special kind of hell.
The things Narcissistic parents do routinely to their kids blighten the child’s SOUL and do extra special damage. When Adult Children Of Narcissists [called "ACoNs" in this blog] grow up and realize they were robbed, they are naturally filled with despair and rage. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or any family holidays tend to be really difficult for ACoNs, because their lack of nurturing is thrown in their face.

2. “Acceptance” in the stage of grief and healing doesn’t really work, and that’s okay.

Often the only truly healthy response is “No Contact“ or going “Gray Rock“ (refusing to be pulled into melodramas and presenting the self as very boring– too boring to fuck with), and to remember to be kind to yourself about all of this. There may be days you feel acceptance, which is great, but there will be times the negative emotions bubble up and take over, and that is normal and natural and doesn’t mean you’re not healing “right”. Accept your level of acceptance wherever it is!

3. Stop gaslighting myself!

Being gaslit as a child teaches you to doubt yourself and to make excuses for the parent’s bad behavior. Don’t fall into that trap!

4. It’s just bad luck I got a narcissistic parent, it’s not something I asked for.

It’s not my fault.
(Luckily, I know this by now. I realized that I have no power over my parents quite a long time ago… at least 2 decades ago.)

5/9. Stop making excuses for my narcissistic parent’s behavior!

Parenting is a sacrifice, but it’s mostly a privilege and bare upkeep (food, housing) is not enough. Compromise is for parents, not kids.
(Again, I’ve internalized this one very well. Hence my rage!) And don’t let their sad back story move you towards sympathy (and a way to manipulate you) and rationalize away the responsibility they hold for what they actively chose to do to you.

6. It’s okay to be relieved when my narci parent dies.

It may not be “proper” to acknowledge this, especially to people that grew up in normal families, but often its the only way to achieve peace. Narci parents, who “offload” most of their crap onto other people, often live a long time and cast a long shadow over the lives of others. Of course their death is freeing! We’re told to feel guilty and often do when we recognize this relief, but good therapy can help with this.

7. I have to step away from my family Enablers, and begin pruning my family tree.

(Already well underway– but I was kicked out and pruned by others before I got the chance to do it myself really.)
People make excuses for narcissists. They often don’t want their naive, idealistic child-like views of reality to be challenged by the idea that some people, let alone someone they know, can be so toxic and beyond change. It’s best to cut those people out of your life if they allow your narci parent to get to you.

8. Should I go No Contact or Gray Rock? There’s no right answer.

(For me, I have to go Gray Rock with limited contact because my sister is still at the mercy of my narci mother.)
~ No Contact is often best, because the more contact you have with a Narci, the more sick they make you. On the other hand, their Enablers will shame you and there can be terrible consequences for your lack of cooperation. Those Enablers threw you under the bus when you were a helpless child, of course they’re willing to keep tossing you under the tires as an adult!
~ Going Gray Rock can work when you have to have contact, but it’s difficult. NO ONE knows how to bait you like your narci parent! Enablers will weigh in on this too, insisting you’re “cold” or “uppity” when you try to remain emotionally disengaged.

10. Don’t get stuck with the “What if things had been/could be better?” vortex. Your parent will never change; wishing just hurts.

A lot of ACoNs ruminate constantly about how they may have thrived under different circumstances. It’s a waste of time.
(OMG. I am so fucking guilty of this one! I daydream all the damn time about living a different life, or changing how things happened in my past. However, I know my mother won’t change, and I gave up trying a couple of decades ago– THANK GAWD.)

11. I need to figure out how to re-parent myself.

Having 2 narcissistic parents really does a number on a person, and learning to care for one’s self is much harder when you learn it later in life, but it is crucial if you want to have a quality life. There are a lot of skills that normal parenting conveys to healthy adults, like knowing it’s okay to have boundaries, or taking care of your needs. Knowing you deserve it is the first step.

Thank you for reading/watching/thinking/feeling along with me as I do some healing in this area of my life.