Self-Healing #9: 12 Signs of A "Vulnerable" or Hysterical Narcissist

I want to investigate the weirdest type of narcissist, the so-called “vulnerable” narci, as that was the type of my ex-husband. A different specialist describes it here: www.youtube.com/watch

This type of narci is described as “baffling” and I know why! All narcis are: control freaks, entitled, superior-feeling, low empathy, and so on. But the vulnerable narcissist is quieter, almost introverted, and may seem a little scared (hence the name “hysterical” in other label systems). I am specifically going to comment on my former marriage partner here.

1. Emotionally Delicate, Hyper-sensitive over petty things, Thin-skinned: Vulnerable narcis negatively interpret signals from others that may be completely neutral, always scanning their environment for signs of disrespect. Their feelings are very easily hurt– hence “vulnerable.”

~ DING DING DING!! Jesus Christ my ex was horrible about this, and it drove me crazy! (Check for his mother Marg as well.)

2. Critical of others, Pessimistic of others’ motives, Simmering anger: It’s almost as though they have to find things wrong with others before the others find things wrong with them. Even positive traits are regarded with suspicion. They think if others are worth less, then anything negative pointed in their own direction somehow won’t count as much.

~ YES. Gods, yes. I hated listening to Gerick drone on and on about how everyone was fucked up somehow. (Check Marg too.)

3. Quietly smug, Disdainful & condescending: Vulnerable narcis will roll their eyes and scoff at almost anything or anyone to make themselves feel “above it”. It’s really overcompensating for their insecurity.

~ CHECK. Gerick behaved as if he was above everyone, but most people didn’t see it. Of course I did– he wasn’t so quiet when he directed this attitude towards me as I was a safer target! He really liked to “take me down a peg” since I was so smart and good with making and keeping friends. (Marg wasn’t confident enough here, but I saw this in Gerick’s dad.)

4. Constantly need reassurance: This is part of what confuses people so much– how can someone have such an inflated ego, and yet still need to be told they’re wonderful on a constant basis? It’s like they can’t really hide their fears about themselves as well as other narcissists.

~ FUCK YES! This was one of the issues that Gerick drove me the most crazy with, and Cat does it too– but in her case, it’s because she can’t read people adequately and wants to check in. However, it triggers me because it reminds me of Gerick’s demanding I admire him, OR ELSE! (Check on Gerick’s mom.)

5. Passive-aggressive, Unwilling to be fair to others, Sneakily non-conforming: These narcis lack open communication skills, preferring to “hint” and “teach lessons” to others anonymously or non-confrontationally. Essentially, they’re total fucking cowards.

~ Gerick wasn’t so bad on this point unless he was having a really bad day. The first 4 were true ALL the time, this one only sometimes. But Gerick sometimes even did even illegal things to others to make a point, if only to himself, from time to time. (Check for Marg.)

6. Prone to sulking, Sour moods, Gives silent treatment: Once again, this shows lack of maturity and cowardice. They can’t handle conflict, so they shut down and refuse to play anymore.

~ DING DING DING! Once again, this was something that made me want to smash my head into a brick wall. Gerick was a total man-baby at times. He’s been giving me the Silent Treatment since I confronted him about taxes a few months after our divorce. (Marg couldn’t shut up, so– no for her.)

7. Strong victim-mentality, “No one understands me”: It’s about making excuses for lack of success in both professional and social ways. A pervading pessimism makes them feel like they’re justified in not even trying to do better.

~ CHECK. Gerick felt he was too special for this harsh world.   (Check for Marg as well.)

8. Lack of willingness to listen, Low interest in others: Vulnerable narcis only care about themselves, so they don’t care about how you feel, what you think, or where you come from. You are only an object for their ego. They can’t connect with others on the heart level at all, lacking even the slightest curiosity about anything outside themselves.

~ WOW! My number ONE issue with Gerick!! He had to be the center of attention at all times with me and never cared about what was going on in MY outer life or inner world. I even tried to “exchange” listening time with him to get SOME thing back, but he couldn’t even fake it to be polite with me, like… EVER.

 Infuriatingly enough, he WOULD listen carefully so he could find loopholes to win arguments or get out of obligations. He couldn’t hear what he didn’t want to hear, so he couldn’t digest criticism, but he’d be laser-focused on potential weak points in anything anyone else said. I learned a VERY aggressive way of defending myself after countless hours of bullshit arguments in this arena. (Check for Marg who was singularly selfish in this as well.)

9. Suck energy out of room, Make you walk on eggshells: Though they may be charming at first, once you learn about all their issues, dealing with Vulnerable narcissists becomes exhausting. You have to dance around their moods, which are very facile, shallow, and ever shifting.

~ YES!! OMG yes. I couldn’t relax around Gerick– like, EVER. He was so easily angered, or freaked out, or silly, or… I never knew what would set him off one way or the other, so I was constantly nursing his emotions, which was what was demanded of him at all times. (Marg too.)

10. Cynical regarding others’ success or nice experiences: Suffering from extreme envy, Vulnerable narcis can’t handle other people’s good news or happy moods. They are very resentful of other people’s good fortune.

~ CHECK. Though he hid this better at some times than at others, Gerick definitely envied others terribly. (Marg too.)

(This is something that Cat does that drives me crazy, too– and I get sick of her constantly comparing herself negatively to others.)

11. Self-sabotaging despite wanting to succeed: They typically live and work below their potential, as they are so afraid of failure they avoid even small risks. But they will make excuses for this, never blaming themselves. Even compliments and reassurances that they would be very good at certain skills or jobs aren’t enough to inspire them to really “go for it.” Success would undermine their image of themselves as a victim, so they avoid trying too hard, preferring to stay in a state of tension and futility. (Drama-mongering some would call it.)

~ Slight check. Gerick did very well at work and was always one of their best employees, as he was a work horse. However, he never pursued college or jobs that required more than on-the-job training because he was very insecure about being graded or challenging himself about academic things. (Marg most of her life, but she started to take risks after retirement.)

12. Hold grudges for a long time: As they are incapable of change, they can’t credit other people as being capable of it. They will refuse to hear an apology, preferring the silent treatment. It’s a way to feel superior and more powerful over others with whom they’ve been in conflict. Vulnerable narcis resist engaging in deep communication, so often relationships get stuck in a rotating wheel of moody routine, then end when either you leave or they can’t get their ego fed by you anymore.

~ Given the weird “silent treatment” I’ve been given for years now, I’d say that’s a CHECK.

Overall, my PAST interpretation of Gerick’s behavior was that it was a combination of PTSD from being an abductee and extreme immaturity. That wasn’t so much an issue when we first got together– he was 20! I expected some immaturity and had my own to deal with as well. But it’s like he got stuck at the teenage level of angsty emotionality and never outgrew it. It was tiresome at 30, but at 40? 45? There was no excuse anymore, and it was clear he got along better with much younger people because people his own age wouldn’t put up with his behavior (including me!) I mean, SERIOUSLY– read over this list and tell me if it isn’t typical TEENAGE behavior on a teen’s worst days?!?

I included his mother on this because there were so many areas where he was just like her. She demonstrated VERY unhealthy coping skills to her 2 youngest sons, who both displayed Vulnerable Narcissism. One drank himself to death while still in his early 30s. The other is Gerick.