No Surgery... Panic Attack Meltdown Instead

I’m incredibly humiliated…

I didn’t get my surgery today. A few small things went wrong, and they each piled on to make my nerves worse and worse until I was freaking out to the point I was gasp-sobbing and about to start screaming. They finally unhooked me from the I.V. (with Valium in it! and I STILL panicked!) and I was directed out the back door to “walk around and calm down”– and I pretty much ran away to the front of the building and back into the lobby and told Cat I wanted to leave NOW.

And I was escorted to the car. Where I sobbed some more. Cat finally came out to drive me home.

It came down to not being listened to and respected at crucial moments and each time someone did that, it escalated my fear. They were actually pretty good in most ways, but the few moments where someone made a mistake with me just… built up the problem.

I’ll reschedule for it yet again later in the week. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep.

Nothing feels quite “real” so I know I’m on the edge of a derealization panic attack. I feel on the brink of crying every second.

Please give me a few days here to get my equilibrium back…