Yes, I Am Indeed Alive!

I can only apologize for seemingly disappearing the way I have. I worried some people, and I’m so sorry!

I’ve been transferring subscriptions and such over to a new computer, and having some glitches. For instance, I have Dreamwidth on my new laptop, but I can’t remember a password for LiveJournal, so I can’t use LJ to write yet on the new PC. So people who only read my posts on LJ are not being updated as quickly. There are so many things to keep track of now, and it’s a confusing mess! I’m getting there, but slowly.

And… I caught some bug in mid-November that still just won’t let go. It’s been exhausting me. I haven’t had a single remission day in weeks. I’ve had less bad flare days, but those I end up getting errands and necessary things done, and then I’m out of commission for 2 to 3 days afterwards. It’s mainly cold-like sinus symptoms and headaches, though thankfully not migraines. Very limited energy. I keep thinking I’ll pull out of it any day now, but that day has yet to come. I’m really sick and tired of being sick and tired.

In addition to that, I’ve been in full out avoidance mode for weeks.

But first– the good news is that I’ve healed from surgery, and got my stitches out, and have absolutely no issues to worry about there. Whew!

Also, I’ve had some amazing paranormal incidents in the last few months that are tossing me into my next learning curve for something, even if this would not be a good time. Things come when they come, but I wish I could schedule them more, you know? So I have quite a bit to catch up on regarding THAT stuff, and once again, I beg for your patience. At least this strange stuff is granting me a distraction considering…

The avoidance mode thing–?

I’m processing gallons of rage. All the bullshit with my mother, and dealing with my extreme panic attacks, has just got me in this massive frustrated state, and if you add “no energy to MOVE” to that state, it’s like everything is just boiling constantly in my head. I’m angry that I’ve been so damned ill most of my life. I’m pissed that I’ve lived with such fear I’ve had both medical and dental neglect until recently. I’m enraged at how my mother treated me and treats my sister.

And the pissy-ness sort of spills over. I keep it under control for the most part, but I’ve lost it at Cat once already. (I swear I was unduly tested! She screamed at me first!) It’s like that negative emotion is stuck or something, and I can’t quite process it adequately, so I just loop around and around.

All of that serves to exhaust me further, and I just have no room to write when I feel like that a lot. I’ve said that I only quit writing compulsively when I’m depressed, and I’d say it’s fair to call me “Dysthemic” or “Anhedonic” or something. Low-level depression. I’m watching it and it hasn’t dipped from “blue” to “gray” yet (no pleasure)– but the mixture of that plus exhaustion and frustration is what’s doing me in here.

The new spiritual stuff (yes, more coming on that, because it’s yet another “WTF?” thing!) is propelling me to look at things differently. The message I got at Yule during our ritual was that I needed to pray more. I needed to ask for more spiritual help. And it’s true that when you’re raised by abusive/neglectful parents, it’s difficult to conceive of the very notion that anyone (let alone a deity!) would give a shit about you. Apparently, I’m stupidly missing out on assistance because I’m so used to thinking I just don’t matter that much.

Then this Kili fae being pokes me and says otherwise, and I’m still very ambivalent about those experiences, because it’s hard to believe, even with proof! Now a Norse god? I mean– really?! I feel like a mostly useless human being, but in the last few months I’m getting spiritual experiences that seem to contradict my belief, but I admit I feel… confused to the extreme.

Still–! Some part of it calls to that child-like sense of wonder and adventure, and psychologically speaking, it’s probably good for me. Therefore, I’m opting to explore these avenues of life and see what pops up. The timing is difficult, because I’m not in a great place to process, and my reactions are rather muted. I go “huh!” instead of “WOW!” due to lack of energy and enthusiasm.

But maybe, just maybe…? I can reach a “wow” perspective later in this year. Despite my physical and emotional issues, some non-human intelligences seem to be inserting themselves into my life. And it sounds crazy and I own that– but so much of my life is already not accepted by the mainstream point-of-view that really it’s just a matter of degree now. From what I’m learning of indigenous (read: tribal/shamanic) populations around the world, these types of things are actually very normal and accepted. It’s all a matter of what you choose to pay attention to mentally, and what you shove to the side. I don’t care if I look foolish anymore. I’d rather be curious and foolish than self-assured and dead to anything new.