Night 2 Portland: Waiting & Looking Back

Today, I rested from the travel yesterday and tried to finalize plans with everyone, from my sister to Amara to Reese and my mother…

I saw Rhonda and her teenaged kids today, everyone was pretty cheerful, but tired. They’re showing their home now that it’s on sale and they couldn’t be in the house. I remember how that feels…

I found out from my sister that my mother was taken to the doctor today with cold symptoms that could be Covid. Dare I even hope? But no, too good to be true, I think. Still, I’m trying to find out from Dora what happened. My sister’s reports are detail deficient, I’m afraid.

Meanwhile, I’ve been going over the last few emails I ever wrote Gerick back in the time before he demanded a divorce, and it really underscores how bloody awful he and Waldo and Chip were in that 2 year period. I’ve been going over them and adding recent commentary, because right after he sends the very last alimony check, I’m going to finally send them. I want to release their energy back to him, so I don’t carry them around anymore, not even in my unsent emails!

Re-reading them makes me hate him now in a way I couldn’t hate him at the time, because I still had so much attachment, even after the emotional abuse became extra violent and protracted. Now, I can’t help seeing how selfish and cruel he was, and I no longer blame myself even a little. I was SO kind and empathic and I got kicked in the teeth for it, and it literally nearly killed me.

I’ll put it all away for another 3.5 years until we part ways permanently though. It just came up in my email drafts and I finally looked at it again after over 6 years, so…