Verbal Abuse-- Abuse Categories, My Parents Vs. My Ex

This is my second and final post about the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How To Recognize It & How To Respond by Patricia Evans.

I’m going to go down the list of 14 types of verbal abuse and note who in my past living situation did what, and how harshly they used it. Everything that is underlined was something used so typically it was a part of my normal world with the person in question.

1. Withholding a.k.a. “the Silent Treatment”

This was my mother’s default weapon! — My father no, if anything, he over-shared.  — My ex no until the end, and it’s been 5 years of it now.

2. Countering a.k.a. “Nuh-uh!” (no matter what you say you’re wrong or arguing just to argue)

Mom: Rarely  — Dad: Sometimes, playing “devil’s advocate” — Ex: Sometimes, half-jokingly

3. Discounting a.k.a. “you’re too sensitive” or “you think you’re so clever” or “come ON, really!?”

Mom: ALL THE TIME, default response — Dad: Sometimes, as a derisive snort thing  — Ex: Sometimes, as in “you can’t take a joke”

4. Abusive Jokes (as in they’re laughing nastily but you’re humiliated)

Mom: Rarely, double message mean jokes — Dad: Less rare, but much meaner   —  Also rare, but memorable examples exist for sure

5. Blocking/Diverting a.k.a. “I don’t want to talk about it!” or “No one asked for your opinion!”

Mom: Sometimes — Dad: Sometimes  — Ex: MUCH more often, but still not often

6. Accusing/Blaming a.k.a. “it’s your fault” or “you did this”

Mom: Sometimes — Dad: Quite regularly, often surprising me  — Ex: A LOT. He liked to turn the tables on me this way

7. Judging/Criticizing (unfairly labeling behaviors as wrong or bad or poorly executed)

Mom: Only with performance for me — Dad: YES. Often and it was ugly. — Ex: Yes, sometimes as a nasty surprise

8. Trivializing/Undermining (knocking your work, interests or emotions down to be silly or stupid)

Mom: YES, regularly — Dad: YES, very often. — Ex: Not very often

9. Threatening a.k.a. “Do it or else!”

Mom: Almost never — Dad: Oh yes, including threatening my life — Ex: Threatened to dump me if I didn’t do things his way

10. Name-calling (self-explanatory)

Interestingly, neither my parents nor my ex were into name-calling much. Just my father every once in a long while would call me things like a “shark” or “predator” or “callous” or weird things that in no way applied to me, as I was always a very sensitive, warm person.

11. “Forgetting” (pretending to forget to duck discussion or blame)

Mom: A default tactic of hers to evade responsibility — Dad: No  — Ex: YES. All the time, especially his promises. He never kept ONE.

12. Ordering (demanding not asking)

Mom: Sometimes — Dad: ALL THE TIME! — Ex: Not often at all

13. Denying a.k.a. “That never happened” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about”

Mom: A default response when confronted — Dad: Only when cornered — Ex: Regularly when confronted, he’d insist I was mistaken

14. Explosive tantrums (as in, you’re scared for your life by the violence of the emotions coming out)

Mom: Never — Dad: SO OFTEN it was HIS ”default” control device — Ex: Pretty rare, but he broke things when they didn’t “work”

I will also say I was always scared of my father’s explosions, but never Gerick’s– his just disgusted me and made me disrespect him, as if he was a child rather than an adult. My father’s worked on me, but my ex’s didn’t, so… he rarely resorted to them.

The thing that struck me when I made a chart about it was that though my parents used often opposite tactic, between the two of them tag-teaming me, I didn’t stand a chance. Literally, between my parents, I was subjected to every single kind of verbal abuse there is! They covered every single base.

And this list made me realize my mother wasn’t just neglectful, she was actively verbally abusive as well. Though her methods were quieter, and more under-the-radar, she was still engaging in what most people call “gaslighting” — telling me my reality wasn’t accurate, that I was crazy or “warped” and always mistaken, too sensitive and not compassionate enough.

My father, on the other hand, just liked to scare me to death, and he used completely ridiculous reasons as justifications for it, like I was “secretly evil” and weird shit like that. Luckily, I started actively hating him by the tender age of 8, so I evaded believing his bullshit.

I have always wondered, though (as illustrated in this very blog) WHY the FUCK so many people falsely accuse me of things!! Like, what is it about me that makes them say things that are obviously untrue about me TO me, as if I’ll believe them over myself? That’s always been the mystery I guess. Now, I’m coming to see that few of them were sincere, they were hoping to get me to doubt myself so I wouldn’t look at them too closely.