Quietly Hopeful

I’ve been steadily catching up on everything for the last few weeks, and some days it’s harder to write than on others…

I’ve been to my therapist to unfurl a memory and it ended up being rather surprising, but it explained a LOT of things to me. Some of it was surprising, other parts weren’t. But I’ve felt a tension that I didn’t even know I was holding let go a little, and I think that’s very healing.

I’m still having flares of course, and they’re still more often than before Covid, but now it’s only a little more often than before, so I think that I’m pulling out of whatever is going on there and getting back to my version of normal.

Washington and the rest of the blue states are all being forced to be “right to work” which means “forced to work” states, so you have to work 30 hours or more per week to qualify for food stamps or SNAP. And… I can’t work 5 hours a week sometimes, let alone 30!! But I don’t have a disability you can point to and go, “Ah! She’s _____ .” My issues are invisible. Fatigue. Fog. Pain. All things I can’t prove easily.  The whole idea of poor people being “lazy” is such bullshit. Sure there are a few, but most who don’t work can’t work because of psychological or physical issues, even if those issues aren’t easy to see. Calling poor people lazy is a way to justify being mean at those who don’t have the power to fight back, and I’m so sick of the bullies who scapegoat the weak.

Anyways, I have to try to figure something out before September, let alone if my SNAP benefits are taken away, because my alimony goes down by half and I don’t have a back-up plan besides “book”– and it’s taking me so long to get that done!! My energy level has to be up AND my brain fog has to be down in order to write, and while it’s improving, I’m scared to death I can’t make it work, which means I have to ask other people to help me get my disability stuff done, with a lawyer and all of that.

I’m trying to overcome my deep dread to see my way to the other side of all of this stuff. I DO have friends who can help me sometimes. I DO have some brains that work sometimes. I DO have a regular doctor who knows I’ve had issues for a long time. Maybe I can work it out.

Some days I have some quiet hope that it’s possible.