Compromise w/ Cat to Reduce Hearing Her Implied "Threats"

In a private post, I bitched about how Cat was freaking me out to the point of awful, churning stomachaches with her out loud complaints about how she couldn’t handle things and wanted to quit– quit dealing with people socially, quit living at Heron House, or quit living altogether.

I know she’s not serious (we’ve talked about this in depth) but I always wonder, especially if she talks about it a lot over the course of many days or off and on over months, if she’s starting to mean it. She might start to mean it at some point, and at that point, my life as it is — is over. I depend upon Cat for an affordable home, for stability, and often for transportation. She doesn’t have me in a will or anything if something goes wrong.

Last summer, I told Cat that if keeping up the huge house we live in was honestly too much, I wasn’t a child– I could deal with the option of selling and buying a smaller place. It’s just that this place has room for my sister and extra people if Cat needs extra income. A smaller place with less land would mean less upkeep, but also less options. And it would mean that the nature I need to feel “okay” would probably not be a part of things, or at least not as much a part of things. And… we’d be abandoning the land spirits or fey or whatever they are, and I’m NOT happy about that idea.

But still–! If it’s not do-able, then it’s not do-able and we have to find other options. The point was, I would work with her to figure another plan out if this one wasn’t working. She said that it was a great relief to hear that, because she was afraid I’d freak out. Well, I’d be sad, but I wouldn’t hate Cat or anything. I’m used to disappointment, which is rather sad, but it means I’m not much of a whiner about shit (well…) At least, I don’t take it personally when it’s not something that can be helped.

Cat has made it clear that she loves our home (which we’ve been in for 5 years this month!) and doesn’t want to move again. That is my dream as well! I’m sick of always having to adapt to new places, although I had a wanderlust in my youth that made such adaptation exciting and fun for many years, I’m too darned tired now to keep that up. I need roots and a community and support. I finally found a living situation that I LOVE, and so when Cat mentions wanting to give up on it just because she’s having a bad day, or in a bad mood, or other trivial and very transient reasons– I get very upset with her! To me, constantly discussing “giving up” is triggering for my PTSD, and sometimes I have very strong reactions, but even when I’m more evenly reactionary, she still absolutely kills any good mood I have or any motivation for doing something productive. When she talks about giving up, I find myself giving up, and I can’t sustain that anymore! To my oversensitive system, her casual complaints are taken as threats!

So I came up with a plan to address this. I need to NOT HEAR these drive-by threats to my life when Cat’s just in a temporary bad mood. However, I know that Cat needs to think about the Big Scary Stuff with me, since we live together and make plans together. So… I finally approached Cat and said I needed the boundary to be very firm about her talking about giving up stuff around me or to me. And she got all depressed and walked away, but she finally came and found me later and, after we both cried for a couple of minutes, I finished:

~ I said that I would like to sit down with her for an hour to an hour and a half once a month and list all the things we have to worry about with our living situation, and we could talk about whether to stay or go more seriously. And I’d take notes, then type them up and we’d both have a copy. Then she doesn’t have to keep listing and re-listing verbally, we can just refer to “The List”. She’ll have a space and time where she can go over any serious concerns and have my full attention! And then we could talk solutions or whatever. BUT–! Other than that designated space and time, she cannot speak about giving up on our home or lifestyle or life itself! ~

That was my compromise to help Cat deal with her concerns and have my support, but not allow her to derail me so easily and often! I have to make some firm boundaries and stick to them if I want to have a measure of contentment. I’m not Cat’s emotional dumping ground or “emotional tampon”– not for things that affect ME personally! Now that I’ve made a line in the sand, I’ll have to really work to stand my ground.

Wish me luck.