I Want To Break OUT

I am so tired of being stuck in a little room, often darkened to avoid migraines, and either stressed out but fatigued or foggy/pained and useless. It’s like I have a special brand of cabin fever. “Room Sickness” … or something. I mean, I WISH I could go about the entire “cabin” you know?

I want to go outside! I want to clean my fucking room! I want to jump on a thousand projects! I want to dance! I want to hike! I want to go ride my Electric Scooter! I want to drink! (Because my alcohol sensitivity is up these days too, on top of the rest of the b.s. I contend with! )

There is so much I want to do…

… and can’t.

On my rare remission days, I’m a jovial live-wire of frenetic energy. I seem to be scattered, because there’s so many things I want to do and haven’t been able to do, that I can’t seem to focus on more than one or two things that need to be done first, like shopping for food, or doing my laundry– that I lose too many opportunities.

I have to plan my “break out” days much better. Maybe do something that will improve my life, like clean my room, and then play the rest of the day as a sort of reward to myself for tackling something important. But carefully, because it’s SO easy to overdo it on days where I actually have low pain, high cognition, and some actual energy. For a few precious hours, maybe even the whole waking day, I can DO stuff, and I want to do ALL the stuff.

Most people are exhausted when they have 2 seconds together because they work themselves into the ground and then have more duties after that. But me– I can’t function and then when I do… I get overwhelmed because I don’t know where to start!

I always have errands, like taxes or medical and dental appointments, or writing. How do I manage my time, budget it like I do money, when I don’t know WHEN I’ll actually have all the things lined up to use it well? The answer is clear, I have to plan ahead! I have an ongoing “to-do” list. Who doesn’t? But I’ve got to really nail it down.

Like: Days when I have 2 of the 3 things I need. If my intellect is up and going, and the pain is controlled, I can work on writing. I don’t need a LOT of energy to write. I need some, of course, because really bad days I can’t even sit up much, but if I can see and tappity-tap my fingers on a keyboard, I need to do THAT.

Days when I have energy and the pain is controlled, but the brain is for shit… maybe those days I do simple chores that pile up, like blowing off the driveway or weed-whacking the grass the mower can’t get. Dusting, vacuuming, that sort of thing.

But days where I have all 3? Those are the days I need to concentrate on organizing my environment, because the chaos is growing around me, and it’s driving me wild. I hate clutter and chaos. Years living with a hoarder have traumatized me for that type of thing. But when I just can’t for months and months at a time, the piles begin! And it’s a bit of a “AAAAAH!” thing.

And every day I waste not making up my mind fast enough is another day I kick myself in the butt. I want to feel proud of myself and get things accomplished at least sometimes! I need that now more than ever.