Discussing Tribal Communities w/ Odyssey

[Note: The use of the word "tribe" is not meant to convey connection to indigenous peoples. Rather, we are using it to reflect the old European pagan tribes and reinvent the concept to work now.]

My friend Odyssey, whose been in the area a great deal lately while helping a friend in the final stages of a terminal illness, and then helping his friends and family in the the aftermath of said friend’s death– came to visit me for a few hours again today.

I’m quite sad for the reason Ody was near-by, but I’m very happy I got to see him several times in the last few months. Odyssey is a great guy to talk to, and he definitely stroked my ego a bit when he said I was a very positive influence upon his life! [Cue the "Awww...!] Honestly, given my limitations, it feels good to matter in any positive way to anyone!

(One reason I wanted to teach pagan philosophy and traditions along with magick is because all that knowledge and experience does no good if I just keep it to myself, stored in my noggin!)

This time, he really wanted to pick my brain (and heart, let’s be honest!) regarding the whole “tribe” thing I’m doing with several friends. We’re creating an interdependent community, but not like most “intentional communities” or communes. We don’t all live together– rather, we’re making it a priority to live in close proximity to one another so we have back up, help, social interaction, support, etc. When one person falls or fails, they’ll have others who can step in to support them through a crisis. When everyone is puttering along, we find things we can do along the way to assist or volunteer in various projects as they emerge or await attention from a list. And when things are going well, and we have something to celebrate, we can do it together. Eventually, we want to have regular holiday gatherings like barbeques, fire circles with talk, song, or drumming, holiday feasts, and processing food from gardens in jam-making parties… all the happy things people long to do together but often don’t.

The world is getting really scary. It used to be we had extended families or social clubs or church groups who could support us when things fell apart, but our society has dismantled those community support systems we really need to survive with some modicum of security, let alone thrive! So my tribe is sort of rebuilding that idea amongst ourselves. Rhonda has moved just 15 minutes away from us, and Reese & Sleep intend to come to the peninsula late this year or early next year. More friends we know have been approached and are considering joining us.

Odyssey asked about the qualities to look for when it comes to fellow tribe members, as he is considering creating his own tribe where he lives in the San Francisco area. I said it’s best to team up with people you’ve known for years who SHOW UP when you need them! That’s the major thing. Who reaches out to help you? Who fits your life as if they are family? Reliable friends are what you need. These people need others to support them too, because they can burn out without more assistance. So if you bring together a bunch of GOOD people who are trustworthy and willing to lend a hand, an ear, or a few bucks when needed– those are your best potential tribe-mates. This isn’t about wishful thinking, it’s about bringing in people who ALREADY have your back and are willing to save your ass when shit goes down. Having an official social “tribe” means that there is a system in place to make it easier to give and receive help when needed. What matters is what people DO, not what they say. Who does for you? Who do you happily do for?

Naturally, you have to be aware of freeloaders who just want the benefits of such an arrangement without doing the work of it– but again, you know people all around you. Who WORKS? Who TRIES? Who CARES? And most important, who does not make excuses?

My own little group still have to have a meeting to go over some basic rules we can all agree upon and expectations and limitations, but we’re getting it together over time and reaching for this idea of an extended family type of social group. I can’t tell you how much having some people who have become my chosen family around and willing to help me has revolutionized my hope and assuaged my anxiety!! And it feels good for me to have my own role where I am needed, because I NEED to feel like I can contribute something myself.

In the process of going over these things, I talked about my fears for the future of our society. I advised my gay friend to have a “normie” cis hetero couple as part of his tribe, so he has back up if things go “pink triangle” on the LGBTQ+ people in some dystopian fascist regime. I said most people have something “wrong” with them to ultra-conservative types who are taking over the nation, indeed the world. So you need to think about how to deal with that should things seriously fall apart for anyone who doesn’t blend into a White Nazi society! Horrific, but a real concern at this point! I keep most of my weird occult shit in an attic that can be hidden if need be, for example. As middle aged white women– Cat, Rhonda, Reese, and I can “hide” in plain sight should things go south, but… there’s a lot to consider watching the trends of society these days.

Some of what I said made Odyssey anxious, but I’m not trying to scare him, or anyone– just preparing as much ahead of what may be coming to survive. If the worst doesn’t happen–? Then you still have a group of people who can back each other up and deal with life as it comes a little more securely and comfortably than before. There’s no downside except dealing with the normal social drama shit that inevitably pops up within groups. But–! That’s why communication and ground rules and boundaries, etc. are important to establish! And for the most part, everyone has their own home, job, life-partner, etc.– it’s just that you have intentional family ties to rely upon and contribute to as you do your own thing.

I don’t really want a group with a “leader” who tells others what to do; that’s not what this is about. Rather, we just show up to help one another as needed and go from there. We can work together on things or play together, but no one has to do something at any given time or place! It’s a strictly voluntary as-you-go type of situation. It’s just that we all KNOW that we’re in it together. We’ll help out of LOVE and kindness and receive help with GRATITUDE. It’s not about obligation and shame, like with unhealthy enmeshed families. It’s friendship and sacred duty for the purpose of personal and group resilience in the face of the great challenges to our time period.

Ultimately, I know I can’t make it without help. I also know that helping me (or my sister) is too much to put onto one person like Cat. She needs others to support HER as she supports ME. Then she doesn’t get overwhelmed. This dynamic is true for everyone really. Rhonda has two autistic teenagers to support, but she’s needs assistance too. And those who contribute so much know they’re not alone and will get help when things get bleak. Their help matters and is acknowledged and cherished– they aren’t pouring their labor and care down a black hole. They matter! We all just fucking MATTER to one another. It’s really that simple. Why should this sound… revolutionary? It’s how people used to deal with life before the Nuclear Family came to be considered the only real “norm” that counted.

Now generations have to live together again because so few can afford the things they need to be comfortable and okay in life. People live with roommates if they’re single, or even couples live with other couples. The way things are now, you can’t make it if you can’t get along with others! So we’re getting along in order to make our lives a little better. And the very idea of it made everyone both excited and determined, so I knew it was the right call when I made it. We’re all looking for a family to love us, aren’t we? Reese & Sleep have discussed this with their elderly parents, who are actually on board with the idea! They’ll be moving to the peninsula once Reese & Sleep have gotten settled here with homes and jobs themselves. More friends will join our network, once they’re thoroughly vetted (known for years with a reliable reputation.)

So I went over a lot of that and so much more with my friend, who said he talked to his therapist about me! In a good way, which is awesome. I am trying to inspire others to try new ways to approach life to make life better, mostly because I have to do that to keep going with all my own issues and weaknesses. I have other strengths I can use (like being very articulate) to made sure I’m not a parasite myself. I don’t want charity. I want a place to fit and matter. Most people do! So hearing that my ideas are inspiring feels very good! Too often, I get swept up in what is WRONG without finding solutions to make it RIGHT. I’m working very hard to be more solutions oriented, and it’s paying off. The concept of a “tribe” is manifesting!